That feeling of being lovelorn has returned and, while it is somewhat depressing, it is no longer debilitating. Yes, it brings tears to my eyes to think of the things I miss about having a significant other. I miss gentle kisses that speak of more than just love, I miss the soft brush of a man's hand against my cheek, I miss having someone to laugh with and even at me, but most of all I just miss someone being with and loving me because they can't imagine anything else better in the world.
I am beginning to think that the kind of love my heart aches for doesn't truly exist. The past has taught me that most people have very different motives for "loving" someone; I use the quotation marks because in my rather limited experience no one has truly loved me as I have felt that I loved them. As much as I have tried to blame those people, I have to admit that it really isn't all their fault. Maybe if I didn't have such a profound amount of love to give and such an old-fashioned sense of what love should be I might have been more attractive to those who have left me.
In all honesty, I am happy with my current situation. I love my children and we have become so much more close since I am raising them on my own, but there is always something missing. The best way to describe it is as if I have a tiny pinprick in my heart. It's not really noticeable and my heart continues to beat normally, but with every beat a tiny, immeasurable amount of my being seeps from that unseen opening. I will most likely be able to continue through life on my own and without the love of another, but what no one else will ever see is the tiny part of me that has died inside. A lifeless soul, withered by loneliness.
As with most feelings, my sadness at being forlorn is made somewhat more bothersome by those who have what I wish for but, in my humble opinion, do not deserve it. I question why someone like me who is honest, caring and faithful is alone and all the meanwhile someone who has lied, cheated and in general been a woman of, essentially, ill-repute, has found another great love in her life and everyone thinks she is such a wonderful and deserving person. I know it is wrong to be jealous and that karma will find this person in due time but it is very difficult to watch others flaunt something that I have longed, wished and prayed for but have yet to find.
Everyone says that I should just be patient and that if it is meant to be, someone will come along for me. I have one question for those who say that. Were you just sitting at home when the love of your life found you? Now, I don't suppose myself to know every one's history but I would hazard a guess that the majority of answers would be no. Most people were doing something or were somewhere when they were first noticed. I, on the other hand, can always be found in the same places. There definitely are no men in my home, hence my frustrations. I do happen to meet men through my work, but unfortunately most men buying houses already have wives and if they don't, I am certainly far down the list of attractive ladies in my building. The kids schools is usually a good place to find another single parent, but as far as I can tell no one looks at me twice much less speaks to me. Besides, I'm pretty sure no one wants to get involved with the single mom who spends all her time in the special needs room. If I'm not in one of those three places there are only a few others where I can be found. I very seriously doubt I would ever be able to meet someone at one of the many doctors appointments that we go to on a regular basis. My college classes do have a variety of men in them but most are either fresh out of high school or are entering what I call their "second phase of life", married a decade or two and kids all grown up.
So, perhaps this rather lengthy entry will serve as some explanation for what is wrong with me. Honestly, I don't really think anything is wrong with me; all I want to do is love another human being, whom is not my child or family member, with all of my heart and being. I don't want to kidnap, control or anything remotely crazy (but I'm sure some people have thought that about me). I just want to love and be loved; no false facades, no strings attached, no unearthly hurt. I just want someone to love me because they can't imagine ever loving anyone else.
