Life improved....

The "a-ha" moments continue to roll in and honestly they come to me like a gentle wave washing over me. My therapist has helped me to realize several very important things. 

Firstly, I have come to more completely realize that not everything is my fault and that I cannot and should not try to fix everyone and every situation. I don't have to sacrifice myself in order to fix things that had nothing to do with me after all.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with telling someone what I need in order to be happy. For a long time I have felt as if it was more important to keep everyone else happy and not worry about myself. Now, I am becoming more comfortable with putting myself on the same level with everyone else.

Thirdly, I am a great person with flaws. I have the ability to be a drama queen, a victim, a smart ass, an overly emotional person, extremely sensitive, jealous and whole slew of other descriptors. Regardless I am a perfectly good person.

Not bad, I must say. My therapist may be a bit of a hippie but he really has helped me to see the world as it is and not how my fuzzy brain wants it to be. It's nice to have someone who not only supports me but also can give me the metaphorical kick in the ass that I sometimes need.

Slow Fade

The speed of life has left me feeling depressed, drained and saddened. Things do not seem to change for the better. My girls will always have problems with their respective mental states and the other illnesses that seem to pile on top, mother's condition will never reverse and she will continue to need ever growing care, my financial well being seems as if it will forever be precariously perched on the edge of having absolutely nothing and the personal part of my life seems to be headed in a direction I'm all too familiar with, which is giving my partner everything I've got and not really getting much in return.

I feel like I am fighting a house fire with a spritzing bottle of water. Just once I would like for someone to say, "Hey, don't worry about this, I will take care of it". I literally feel like I am dying while trying to run a race. Making things even worse is the fact that I am actually afraid to express my feelings to any one because fear of how they will perceive me. I've already been told that I act like a victim and every time I think of that it just makes me more depressed.

I feel like a failure at everything right now. Almost two months and I haven't been able to find a job, Elizabeth's sleep issues have now been diagnosed as Chronic Obstructive Sleep Apnea, Geoff is going to battle for custody of his boys and things are just flying off the rails. So here I am trying to keep us afloat financially and ensure that we don't lose anything, I'm traveling to doctors trying to get answers about the girls issues and I'm being incredibly supportive of Geoff and his decisions. The sad thing is I feel like there is no one doing any of these with me let alone for me. 

With all of this going on my depression creeps over me evermore and I feel as if my self, the happy person inside me, is slowly fading away into an abyss. I cannot keep up the fight much longer.