Monday, August 22, 2016
Afraid to admit....
...I'm scared that I will never be loved. My life is full but I still find myself thinking about how lonely I am.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Rough day not getting better....
I absolutely hate days like today. I had been on a pretty good streak here lately; things were good at work, the bills are all paid and I am getting the kids ready to go back to school. Everything should still be pretty golden, right? You would think by now that I would realize that it is moments like these when I tend to come crashing down.
It feels like my emotions have been run over by a train. One minute I'm still super confident in myself and the next I wonder why am I even still alive. I know what is causing the problem but I haven't found a way to totally work through it yet.
The plain truth is that I am lonely and I am really scared that no one will ever really love me. I have had people tell me that I need to think about my children and my mom and put my responsibilities ahead of silly feelings like that. That I should be thankful that I have family who loves me and that I have proven that I can take care of myself.
Here's the hang up I have with that. I feel like family has to love you. My children didn't have the option of not loving me; they were born to me and that sort of is part and parcel. I want someone to love me not because they have to or even should but because they can't imagine not loving me. In reality maybe it does stem from not loving myself enough, but I don't even know how to do that. I feel like such a broken mess that I don't know.
What is even sadder than feeling like this? Actually being 35 years old, sitting on my bed and crying because no one is ever going to love me.
I sit here and close my eyes and imagine how I truly envision myself. Not like a mirror image but an actual graphic representation of how I see myself as a person and as a woman. In all honesty, I see myself in the context of a Picasso painting. Nothing flowing seamlessly into the next, no one color melding into a complementary shade. Just ugly (no offense, Pablo), chunky blocks that never seem to match up or go together. Bright color after bright color blinding the eye.
Sometimes I just want to give up completely, even stop living, and other times I just to hide from the rest of the world and pretend that I am okay with it. But nothing is ever going to be okay and I have to face that. Maybe love doesn't exist beyond the love I have for my children and family and the love I know that God has for me. Maybe the concept of being in love with a partner isn't real and I just have to get used to that fact. Just because I see what appears to be people in love, people getting married and living happily doesn't mean that that is what it really is.
I have heard said before that you have to truly love yourself in order to be truly loved by another person. If that is true, I have a lot of work to do and I have to idea where to begin or what to do. Well, this is definitely more than enough of an emotional rant.
It feels like my emotions have been run over by a train. One minute I'm still super confident in myself and the next I wonder why am I even still alive. I know what is causing the problem but I haven't found a way to totally work through it yet.
The plain truth is that I am lonely and I am really scared that no one will ever really love me. I have had people tell me that I need to think about my children and my mom and put my responsibilities ahead of silly feelings like that. That I should be thankful that I have family who loves me and that I have proven that I can take care of myself.
Here's the hang up I have with that. I feel like family has to love you. My children didn't have the option of not loving me; they were born to me and that sort of is part and parcel. I want someone to love me not because they have to or even should but because they can't imagine not loving me. In reality maybe it does stem from not loving myself enough, but I don't even know how to do that. I feel like such a broken mess that I don't know.
What is even sadder than feeling like this? Actually being 35 years old, sitting on my bed and crying because no one is ever going to love me.
I sit here and close my eyes and imagine how I truly envision myself. Not like a mirror image but an actual graphic representation of how I see myself as a person and as a woman. In all honesty, I see myself in the context of a Picasso painting. Nothing flowing seamlessly into the next, no one color melding into a complementary shade. Just ugly (no offense, Pablo), chunky blocks that never seem to match up or go together. Bright color after bright color blinding the eye.
Sometimes I just want to give up completely, even stop living, and other times I just to hide from the rest of the world and pretend that I am okay with it. But nothing is ever going to be okay and I have to face that. Maybe love doesn't exist beyond the love I have for my children and family and the love I know that God has for me. Maybe the concept of being in love with a partner isn't real and I just have to get used to that fact. Just because I see what appears to be people in love, people getting married and living happily doesn't mean that that is what it really is.
I have heard said before that you have to truly love yourself in order to be truly loved by another person. If that is true, I have a lot of work to do and I have to idea where to begin or what to do. Well, this is definitely more than enough of an emotional rant.
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