I decided to take a break from blogging over the holiday weekend so that I could completely focus on my family. We had an amazing time at my sister Mary's house on Sunday. We took the girls to the annual Memorial Day parade in the small town Mary lives in and then had a massive cookout with the rest of my sisters, the car club and some of my brother-in-law's family.
Taking time out and spending it with loved ones without fear of judgment really does help put every aspect of my life in perspective. I used to think that I hadn't accomplished much in my life but now I know that is not true. I've done so much more than most people my age just by making it through the tough times life has thrown at me. The best part is that things are only going to get better.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Daydreaming
I woke up from the most delicious dream this morning. Rarely do I have dreams like this one, it started out very odd and by the end I was practically in love!
It started with I was driving around what seemed to be my local area and was forced to take a detour unexpectedly. The detour ended up at some horse show, which was full of teenage kids and cowboys. Since there was nowhere else to go I wondered around the show and exhibits and then realized I was going to be late for work. After a little more wondering, I finally found the exit which were very large very heavy wooden doors. When I pushed them open there were two cowboys, one dark-haired and one sandy-haired, standing there manning a booth set up for selling various souvenirs and horse related items. As I was walking away one of the guys asked my name and started asking how I liked the show. I chatted back and forth with the two gentlemen for awhile and the dark-haired one moved off to take care of some work. So I continue to chat with the other and it turned in to a somewhat flirtatious conversation. When I finally realized that I was going to be late for work I politely told the sandy-haired fella that I had to go. Since we were now sitting near each other, he scooted over to me and asked if he could have my number. Needless to say I was absolutely thrilled and gave my number to him gladly. Then I woke up.
I'm very curious as to what might have happened had the dream continued. The especially odd part for me is that I was not thinking of horses, teenagers or men when I laid down to sleep. Admittedly I kinda hope this was a sign that the right man is out there for me and that he might be coming in to my life sooner than I expect. I can only hope and pray so! Until that time I will keep this dream with me and trust that God knows what he is doing with my life.
It started with I was driving around what seemed to be my local area and was forced to take a detour unexpectedly. The detour ended up at some horse show, which was full of teenage kids and cowboys. Since there was nowhere else to go I wondered around the show and exhibits and then realized I was going to be late for work. After a little more wondering, I finally found the exit which were very large very heavy wooden doors. When I pushed them open there were two cowboys, one dark-haired and one sandy-haired, standing there manning a booth set up for selling various souvenirs and horse related items. As I was walking away one of the guys asked my name and started asking how I liked the show. I chatted back and forth with the two gentlemen for awhile and the dark-haired one moved off to take care of some work. So I continue to chat with the other and it turned in to a somewhat flirtatious conversation. When I finally realized that I was going to be late for work I politely told the sandy-haired fella that I had to go. Since we were now sitting near each other, he scooted over to me and asked if he could have my number. Needless to say I was absolutely thrilled and gave my number to him gladly. Then I woke up.
I'm very curious as to what might have happened had the dream continued. The especially odd part for me is that I was not thinking of horses, teenagers or men when I laid down to sleep. Admittedly I kinda hope this was a sign that the right man is out there for me and that he might be coming in to my life sooner than I expect. I can only hope and pray so! Until that time I will keep this dream with me and trust that God knows what he is doing with my life.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Prayers..
Tonight we are sending all of our prayers to all those effected by the devastating tornados in Oklahoma. As a parent and very emotional person, I have avoided watching the news video and have opted to read the reports instead. We pray for strength and courage for all!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Happy receptors!
As in brain chemical receptors lol. If there is anything to be thankful for in regards to my depression, it is the fact that my change in mood is often short. The receptors in my brain are now receiving the appropriate mix of brain chemicals and they are happy again. I know how crazy all this sounds but it's a big deal for me. I have had to deal with major episodes of depression and anxiety that lasted for weeks at a time. Now they don't last but two days at most and that is truly awesome.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system let's get on to other fascinating aspects of my life. As if I don't already have a lot on my plate, I am trying to find a hobby that sparks my creative side. I'm thinking scrapbooks and other handicrafts. Plus my cooking skills are itching to be released so that is another thing I'm working on.
Now for something totally off topic! I have fallen in love with the History Channel show Mountain Men. I am all for the homesteading and simple way of living. It makes me think about how wasteful we are and the fact that we need to change how we live. In an effort to remove one wasteful behavior from our lives I am looking into making our own laundry detergent. With as much laundry as I do this is going to save me a ton of money and be one less plastic bottle for me to recycle.
All in all, this scattered and confusing blog is a shining example of how my brain runs during the transformation part of my mental cycle. The coherent thoughts are there, they just get jumbled up with all the other crap and emotions. Rest assured, I am utilizing every single molecule of effort in order to transform my thought process and improve my life.
Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system let's get on to other fascinating aspects of my life. As if I don't already have a lot on my plate, I am trying to find a hobby that sparks my creative side. I'm thinking scrapbooks and other handicrafts. Plus my cooking skills are itching to be released so that is another thing I'm working on.
Now for something totally off topic! I have fallen in love with the History Channel show Mountain Men. I am all for the homesteading and simple way of living. It makes me think about how wasteful we are and the fact that we need to change how we live. In an effort to remove one wasteful behavior from our lives I am looking into making our own laundry detergent. With as much laundry as I do this is going to save me a ton of money and be one less plastic bottle for me to recycle.
All in all, this scattered and confusing blog is a shining example of how my brain runs during the transformation part of my mental cycle. The coherent thoughts are there, they just get jumbled up with all the other crap and emotions. Rest assured, I am utilizing every single molecule of effort in order to transform my thought process and improve my life.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Return to Oz
I hadn't realized how long it's been since I've posted anything. The really sad part is that in my year and a half absence not much has changed in my life. I still work one job, albeit a part time one, still caring for my beautiful girls and my life is still completely, fracking crazy.
Lizzie, who is now 12, is dealing with the difficulties of growing up and all the emotions that come with it. Grace has finally found her voice, so to speak, and has become very headstrong and obstinate. My mother, who used to be semi independent, is now totally dependent on me since she had open heart surgery and has lost her eye sight due to her diabetes. I know it sounds like I'm complaining but I'm still the only one dealing with everything and doing it all alone.
One would think that with all that I have going on in my life that I wouldn't have time to be depressed but that seems to be how I feel a lot of the time. I do have to admit that my sisters have been helpful in keeping me grounded and positive, but on nights like tonight it's a struggle. It is very difficult not to feel lonely and sad with how my life has turned out so far.
When this happens I try to remind myself of all the great things I have going for me. I am going back to school in the fall and am more determined than ever to obtain my degree, I have a great job that I enjoy and is opening me up to new people and friendships, I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself and my family without anyone else's help and, with some routine reminders, I know that I don't need a man to have a happy life and that if finding a partner is in God's plan for me it will happen.
It's a lot for me to deal with sometimes but what else is there to do. I will never turn my back on my responsibilities, that's just who I am. Remaining confident in myself and continuing to live life one day at a time are personal priorities that are gonna get me where I am meant to be.
Lizzie, who is now 12, is dealing with the difficulties of growing up and all the emotions that come with it. Grace has finally found her voice, so to speak, and has become very headstrong and obstinate. My mother, who used to be semi independent, is now totally dependent on me since she had open heart surgery and has lost her eye sight due to her diabetes. I know it sounds like I'm complaining but I'm still the only one dealing with everything and doing it all alone.
One would think that with all that I have going on in my life that I wouldn't have time to be depressed but that seems to be how I feel a lot of the time. I do have to admit that my sisters have been helpful in keeping me grounded and positive, but on nights like tonight it's a struggle. It is very difficult not to feel lonely and sad with how my life has turned out so far.
When this happens I try to remind myself of all the great things I have going for me. I am going back to school in the fall and am more determined than ever to obtain my degree, I have a great job that I enjoy and is opening me up to new people and friendships, I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself and my family without anyone else's help and, with some routine reminders, I know that I don't need a man to have a happy life and that if finding a partner is in God's plan for me it will happen.
It's a lot for me to deal with sometimes but what else is there to do. I will never turn my back on my responsibilities, that's just who I am. Remaining confident in myself and continuing to live life one day at a time are personal priorities that are gonna get me where I am meant to be.
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