Happy Father's Day

I would like to take this opportunity to wish a happy Father's day to all the men who in any way, shape or form fulfill the role of dad in a child's life. This day is always bittersweet in our house because there are no fathers here. This is the 25th year without my father and the 4th year without my children's father. I try to keep this day light and not remind them too much of what our life is missing.

For myself I received a rare blessing yesterday. We had a large picnic with my father's side of the family for the first time in over a decade. In my own mind I feel as if I got to see my dad when I saw my uncle Ray. Dad and Ray always looked more alike than any other siblings in the family and it is still true. When I looked at uncle Ray I saw my dad's eyes just as I remembered them. They even had the same nose, chin and hairstyle. For as happy as seeing him made me it was also bittersweet. More than any other time of life, right now I could really use my Daddy's support and wisdom.

Well, now that I've been about as a maudlin as I ever want to be I am going to end this entry for now and enjoy time with my kids.

Absent....

I'm back and not really sure if that's a good thing or not. I've tried to refrain from blogging while my mind is slipping into the down portion of it's unfortunate cycle. I did extremely well for several weeks in regards to keep my morale and motivation up and generally being happy. But, as what always happens with me, the good feeling eventually comes crashing down. I suppose the fact that I can recognize this and deal with it in a much better fashion should be considered bonus points on my part but it's difficult to see the positive when your brains refuses to do so. Sooner or later I know that these terrible feelings of inadequacy and loneliness will disappear and I will feel like I'm back on top again. Until then, I will take the quiet moments to breakdown and cry and pray to God for strength and understanding.