I believe I have finally reached the point in my life where I am able to completely move on from my past and start a whole new future. Today marks 5 years exactly since my husband passed away and while I still remember the day with solemnity, this year in particular has been marked with a new phase of life.
In 5 years time, I have learned more lessons about myself than I ever thought possible. I have come to understand that just because I am not in a relationship does not mean that I am less of a person. It is not necessary to repeat the mistakes of my past simply because that is all I know. I have learned to take every misfortune and heartache as an opportunity to grow and better myself. Most importantly, I have learned to love myself for all that I am and for all that I am not.
So many things have shaped the person that I am today and I thank God for every single one of them. My life so far has illustrated an old saying, "If you want to see a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain".
....back to the cycle of mild depression caused by loneliness. Life has been going really good for me and I'm not really in a bad place, but I still find myself thinking about relationships. For some reason here lately I have been thinking of someone that is almost like forbidden fruit at this point. We used to work together and have always acknowledged our mutual attraction. At the time, we were both in long term relationships and weren't really willing to cross that line. Once things changed we talked about getting together for a drink and kept making soft plans but his plans always fell through. I have to admit that each time I was somewhat devastated but I kept moving on with my life.
Lately, however, I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I can visualize his eyes, hair, the cheesy, adorable mustache, the tattoos, how he looks in jeans and boots and even how he looked when he was in uniform. If I'm going to be totally honest, I do have to admit that I've always harbored the hope that he would fall madly in love with me but I won't hold my breath on that one.
Sometimes I wonder about why we haven't been able to actually make a date happen. Is he scared of me? Do I really intimidate him? Is really not interested in anything but sex? Is he afraid of falling in love with me? Now that I see what I've been thinking, it sounds really lame. Even lamer is the fact that I posted a Missed Connections thing on Craigslist in the town he lives. I was hoping maybe he would see that and think of me.
Well, I think this blog serves as proof of just how pathetic I truly am. Just as I have done before, I am going to keep moving forward and hopefully something will happen for me.
