Hitting that metaphorical wall...

I have but one question. Why is it that when my life is going relatively good and there are no major issues, that my depression rears it's ugly and sickening head?

Now I do have to admit that there are a few issues occurring within my circle, none of them have any real or direct impact on me. Now we all know that I am an extremely emotional person who often takes on other peoples' problems because of a false sense of duty or caring. But this time it has nearly taken over my thoughts and is causing me great distress. The part that frustrates me the most is that I can in no way verbalize why someone else's misfortune is causing me so much pain.

I am really in a place right now where I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I have no tears left in my body. I have no passion for life or people at the moment and am literally in pain. 

Ok, perhaps I can verbalize some of what is bothering me. Someone I know is going through a very unfortunate personal situation at the moment. As is typical with me, I have sat and listened to everything this person has had to say on the subject and admittedly most of the language used is not at all pretty. I have been supportive but yet tried to stay polite and as neutral as possible seeing as how I have no place in this situation other than as an outside friend.

Meanwhile, I am left to deal with my misfortunes on my own for several reasons. One, I feel absolutely terrible about laying my burdens at someone else's feet and expecting any kind of support or sympathy. Two, when my acquaintance and I do speak, and the conversation is not regarding the current predicament, I feel it necessary to try and boost this persons spirits. And thirdly, I shouldn't have to, damn it!! 

I did nothing in this life to facilitate the issues that I face in my life. I've mentioned before that my girls both have autism and a few other related disorders. Now both of my girls have been afflicted by unknown neurological disorders. As if what we have to deal with daily is not enough, I now have to watch my oldest daughter have seizures and my youngest have migraines so debilitating that she loses the ability to speak. As if that is not enough, I am still dealing with abnormal Pap Smear tests and the fact that I have unexplained lesions in my cervical area. I am scared to death that it is eventually going to become cancer. Every few months I have to endure exams that include taking biopsy samples and the pain of the procedures. 

I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they are there for me without me having to be the stronger person because of what they are having to deal with. I have plenty of people around me who I know are here to support and help but I still feel so lonely. Add on that the fact that I feel like a complete failure in just about every other aspect of my life. I feel like I have somehow failed my children because of the problems they have and sometimes I feel like maybe God cursed them because of something I did. I have failed at keeping our finances in good shape and providing a stable yet enriching life. I feel like I fail at everything. 

I happen to come across a message the other day that I think is really the point of what I'm going through. "Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to know that God is your rock". I very much hope that that is the point of all this because otherwise I do not know what is. Now that I've gotten some of this out in the open, I do feel that a small weight has been lifted off my shoulders but mainly I just feel dead inside, absolutely numb. My only saving grace right now is the hope that by disconnecting from the rest of the world and just insulating myself from everything around me, I will somehow manage to overcome this and feel happiness once again. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Work in progress....

This past weekend has shown me that, as a person, I am truly a work in progress. Sometimes I do fool myself into thinking that I have completely overcome a good deal of my issues, but often I am gently reminded that, like any disease, I may never actually be rid of them. While I am more confident and stronger than I've ever been, there are times where my insecurities come flooding back and I am engulfed with despair. Thankfully, I am able to see that these feelings are not a product of my current place in life. Unfortunately, I believe I will have recurrences like these for the rest of my life and the most important impact they will have is regarding how I choose to deal with them.

I am strong enough to say now that I have been damaged by past relationships and that a lot of that damage is because I chose to blind myself to the other person's faults. I so desperately wanted to be loved that I chose to ignore the signals that things were not quite right. Now when the insecurities surface, I am able to recognize that they have nothing to do with the present day and that I cannot hold anyone up to the standards that I once allowed myself to be judged by.

There are times when I do feel as if I have a lot more work to do on myself and a whole lot more to learn. I don't believe that God wants us to become stagnant; He made us as people who should continuously grow and move forward. So I begin and end each day with a prayer of thanks. Each day I am blessed with the opportunity to grow and improve and at the end of each day I am thankful for whatever amount of progress I have made, whether it be visible or not.