I honestly feel like I'm bi-polar lately. One minute I'm happy with the way my life is and content with the choices I've made and the next minute I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of how my life is supposed to be.
People in my circle are getting married and here I am forcing myself to accept the fact that I will probably never marry again. The worst part is that getting married and having a better marriage than my first has been my dream for a long time. One minute I'm okay with the choice to be with someone who may never really want to marry me and the next I am overcome with utter sadness at the fact that I am never going to feel as if there is someone in this world who can't live without me as their spouse.
I used to be truly be upset at the fact that I will never have another child but honestly that is slowly fading. Yes, I used to really want another child; perhaps this time with a person that I love with all of my heart. The tide on this one has changed however since the girls are teenagers now and I don't think I have it in me to go through these years again in about a decade.
When the girls father died I believed that I would finally be able to live the life I'd always wanted. I just knew I would find someone that couldn't live without me, would marry me, add to the family and provide me with my dream life. Unfortunately I have learned that that is exactly what it was, just a dream. I've dated a variety of guys and either they weren't ready for a full family life or they had some kind of hang up about committing to someone or they just turned out to be total assholes.
At this point, I don't feel like anyone loves me enough to want to marry me and it even hurts to consider how different scenarios from my past my have played out. I just feel so confused right now and I have absolutely no clue how to pull myself out of it.
I love but don't feel loved, I care for but don't feel cared for, I dream but am not dreamed of. And to top it all off I feel completely pathetic about all of this.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
Slowly sinking.....
Days like today are highly deceptive.
This morning was a little rough because Mother wasn't feeling her best but it was nothing that concerned me too much as she often has bouts of anxiety due to sleeplessness and other feelings of despair. I left for work with the same excitement as always, and this is not sarcasm because I truly love my job and have finally found my niche. But alas, the feelings of happiness were not to last.
During my typical first break phone call I learned that Grace had a headache/seizure episode which automatically put me on high alert. I feel personally responsible for this one because it was most likely brought on by the fact that she had missed a dose of her seizure medicine because I failed to check what time the pharmacy closed and was unable to pickup her prescription. Thankfully, she recovered quickly and was her regular self throughout the rest of the day.
Fast forward to the end of my day and I now have a massive headache myself because I haven't exactly been eating properly and the extended screen time at work, as well as the heat, are effecting me. I finally made it to the pharmacy and picked up the necessary medications and then off to home to see how everyone is doing. At this point I should note that Elizabeth is a few days in to a medication change for her mood issues and is having a very emotional transition period. She periodically cries about perceived problems, openly tells me she is depressed, says that she sometimes wishes she were dead and talks often of leaving because she believes that everything would be better if she were on her own.
Needless to say, I came home to a mess of human beings. Mom still wasn't feeling the best and was hungry, Grace was better but still her typical whiny self and Elizabeth was one breath away from a breakdown the minute I walked through the door. I hope I don't sound cruel or uncaring but I really don't have any more energy in me to have a care for anyone else who is not my children or mother. With that said, it frustrates me to no end to see Geoff have an exasperated look because I didn't make an actual dinner and he had to figure out what to feed the boys. Dear God, I am not going to be responsible for everything anymore. I am already dealing with enough stress as it is and quite frankly all he seems to do is add to my problems rather than alleviate some of them.
This past year and especially the past six months have shown me a lot of things to think about and have taught me a lot of things about myself that I hadn't noticed before. I am tired of being the giver and carer all the time; I have a natural human duty to give and care for my children and mother but that is it. Anyone else wanting to benefit from my good nature is going to have to earn it and quite frankly I have never met any one who was able in the slightest way to be giving of themselves without expectation.
Through all of this turmoil at present, I have found myself seeing many things in a new light. My children's issues, however difficult they are, are not as damnable as we sometimes think. My girls have some pretty awesome abilities and have taught me how to look at the world differently. Mother has taught me a strength that I never knew we could possess. Everyday life is difficult for her but still she perseveres. She tries to hide the fact that she feels scared and alone but I am somehow able to see through the thick curtain that she has hung around herself. I find myself making it a point to buoy her spirits and try to talk her through the tough times. Meanwhile, I still do all of this by myself which has been the most powerful thing of all for me. I have learned that even with a so-called partner, I am more than capable of handling life and running my household. Unfortunately, I am also seeing that sometimes having a partner is more of a hindrance than a help.
My comfort is in knowing that this day is pretty much at an end and that the sunrise brings an opportunity for a better day. It is very interesting to see how God is shaping my life and is truly amazing and awe inspiring to see how the story he wrote for my life, before I was even born, is making me into a better person, parent and Godly servant. Life definitely looks a lot different than it did at any previous point in time.
This morning was a little rough because Mother wasn't feeling her best but it was nothing that concerned me too much as she often has bouts of anxiety due to sleeplessness and other feelings of despair. I left for work with the same excitement as always, and this is not sarcasm because I truly love my job and have finally found my niche. But alas, the feelings of happiness were not to last.
During my typical first break phone call I learned that Grace had a headache/seizure episode which automatically put me on high alert. I feel personally responsible for this one because it was most likely brought on by the fact that she had missed a dose of her seizure medicine because I failed to check what time the pharmacy closed and was unable to pickup her prescription. Thankfully, she recovered quickly and was her regular self throughout the rest of the day.
Fast forward to the end of my day and I now have a massive headache myself because I haven't exactly been eating properly and the extended screen time at work, as well as the heat, are effecting me. I finally made it to the pharmacy and picked up the necessary medications and then off to home to see how everyone is doing. At this point I should note that Elizabeth is a few days in to a medication change for her mood issues and is having a very emotional transition period. She periodically cries about perceived problems, openly tells me she is depressed, says that she sometimes wishes she were dead and talks often of leaving because she believes that everything would be better if she were on her own.
Needless to say, I came home to a mess of human beings. Mom still wasn't feeling the best and was hungry, Grace was better but still her typical whiny self and Elizabeth was one breath away from a breakdown the minute I walked through the door. I hope I don't sound cruel or uncaring but I really don't have any more energy in me to have a care for anyone else who is not my children or mother. With that said, it frustrates me to no end to see Geoff have an exasperated look because I didn't make an actual dinner and he had to figure out what to feed the boys. Dear God, I am not going to be responsible for everything anymore. I am already dealing with enough stress as it is and quite frankly all he seems to do is add to my problems rather than alleviate some of them.
This past year and especially the past six months have shown me a lot of things to think about and have taught me a lot of things about myself that I hadn't noticed before. I am tired of being the giver and carer all the time; I have a natural human duty to give and care for my children and mother but that is it. Anyone else wanting to benefit from my good nature is going to have to earn it and quite frankly I have never met any one who was able in the slightest way to be giving of themselves without expectation.
Through all of this turmoil at present, I have found myself seeing many things in a new light. My children's issues, however difficult they are, are not as damnable as we sometimes think. My girls have some pretty awesome abilities and have taught me how to look at the world differently. Mother has taught me a strength that I never knew we could possess. Everyday life is difficult for her but still she perseveres. She tries to hide the fact that she feels scared and alone but I am somehow able to see through the thick curtain that she has hung around herself. I find myself making it a point to buoy her spirits and try to talk her through the tough times. Meanwhile, I still do all of this by myself which has been the most powerful thing of all for me. I have learned that even with a so-called partner, I am more than capable of handling life and running my household. Unfortunately, I am also seeing that sometimes having a partner is more of a hindrance than a help.
My comfort is in knowing that this day is pretty much at an end and that the sunrise brings an opportunity for a better day. It is very interesting to see how God is shaping my life and is truly amazing and awe inspiring to see how the story he wrote for my life, before I was even born, is making me into a better person, parent and Godly servant. Life definitely looks a lot different than it did at any previous point in time.
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