I honestly feel like I'm bi-polar lately. One minute I'm happy with the way my life is and content with the choices I've made and the next minute I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of how my life is supposed to be.
People in my circle are getting married and here I am forcing myself to accept the fact that I will probably never marry again. The worst part is that getting married and having a better marriage than my first has been my dream for a long time. One minute I'm okay with the choice to be with someone who may never really want to marry me and the next I am overcome with utter sadness at the fact that I am never going to feel as if there is someone in this world who can't live without me as their spouse.
I used to be truly be upset at the fact that I will never have another child but honestly that is slowly fading. Yes, I used to really want another child; perhaps this time with a person that I love with all of my heart. The tide on this one has changed however since the girls are teenagers now and I don't think I have it in me to go through these years again in about a decade.
When the girls father died I believed that I would finally be able to live the life I'd always wanted. I just knew I would find someone that couldn't live without me, would marry me, add to the family and provide me with my dream life. Unfortunately I have learned that that is exactly what it was, just a dream. I've dated a variety of guys and either they weren't ready for a full family life or they had some kind of hang up about committing to someone or they just turned out to be total assholes.
At this point, I don't feel like anyone loves me enough to want to marry me and it even hurts to consider how different scenarios from my past my have played out. I just feel so confused right now and I have absolutely no clue how to pull myself out of it.
I love but don't feel loved, I care for but don't feel cared for, I dream but am not dreamed of. And to top it all off I feel completely pathetic about all of this.
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