Thankful and then some

This Thanksgiving has been the most thankful on of my life. I am thankful for my children, my wonderful family, my awesome job, my great friends and the awesome life that God has given me. Life has thrown me a lot of curveballs and I have dodged them and dealt with them as best as I can. Now I pretty much have everything I need. Granted I know there will be hiccups along the way still but nothing will take me down like they have in the past.

A holiday first

<p>I've been pondering the holidays lately, mostly thinking about what to buy for my kids and family but also about my emotions. I realized that this is the first holiday in a very long time that will nor be marred my extreme emotions. The past few years have been scarred by unsuccessful relationships and loneliness. This year I don't have any of those worries. I am happy, healthy and on my own. I look forward to this holiday season with a renewed sense of self and with a clear view of the people who truly matter in my life. I hope that as the years go by my holidays only get better and better.

Back to normal.....

...feels absolutely fan-freakin-tastic!!!!!!!! I love my normal life nowadays. I work 5 days a week, take care of my kids, work on my college courses, take care of my house and bills, have more friends than ever and love every minute of it. There was a time in my life where I thought everything had to be exciting and new and constantly on the move. Nowadays, I relish the mundane and monotonous. It's like I'm finally able to "stop and smell the roses".

I love going to work everyday and doing the same thing day in and day out. Fridays, which is my first day off, is usually always spent running errands, paying bills and doing the grocery shopping. Saturdays are straight up bonding time with kiddoes and I still get time on Sunday to relax before I have to go to work.

In all honesty, this feeling is kinda weird to me. I've never before been able to be completely comfortable with live on my own and now that I am I'm certain there are many more great things to come.

It's been a good week!

I must say that this week has been surprisingly good. Work has been very enjoyable and my quality scores have come back awesome, things at home at settling down and working out really well and my personal life has finally found it's footing and is absolutely wonderful. I am taking better care of myself, dressing up more and being more social than I had been in the past month. It's totally amazing what a few small changes can do for a person.

For the first time in 2 years, I'm actually looking forward to the impending holidays and spending them with my family.

I know this is kind of a bizzare blog but it just feels good to be able to put this down in actual words!

Peace

Now that I've made some very important decisions in my life and made good on them, I am filled with an amazing amount of peace. Life is finally calm and enjoyable.

The only thing interfering with my peace is my wisdom teeth. Who would have thought that at 30 years old I would just now be getting my wisdom teeth in. They are killing me; my jaws get puffy and ache and then that makes my head hurt. Oh well, that is the cross I will have to bear for the time being and that is but a small price to pay considering everything else I've dealt with.

I think it finally happened.....

.......hell has frozen over. And then it thawed out and froze over again. I gave in to the one thing I said I wasn't going to do. I sort of made nice with my ex. I talked to him today. I'm taking this as an opportunity to a bigger, better person and let the past anger go. It was really reassuring, however, to know that I absolutely do not have any real feelings for him anymore. There were no butterflys or nervousness when I saw him. I'm glad I made the choices that I did. This has been a confirmation that I have completely moved on and that has made me happier than ever. There is an awesome life ahead of me.

Empowered beyond belief

Given the events of the past few days, I am surprised how empowered I am feeling now. I have let go of the people from my past that have been kinda hanging on like loose strings. I am now fully ready to nice on with my life and accept the awesome things God is going to being into my life. It feels incredible to have this much freedom.

Not looking back.

I'm beginning to think that I'm becoming proficient in stepping on other peoples toes. The great thing is that at this point in my life I'm really not that concerned about. There is no desperation to roll over and help everyone and put up with the lack of respect that I get in return. Now please don't mistake this for complaining. I've learned just how much of any situation is in part my own fault and I will readily admit that for the longest time I gave people the impression that I was an easy mark. That is all changing now.

I've made all kinds of friends throughout my life and I have the displeasure of saying that most of them have not been true friends. I was raised with the understanding that if you count someone as a friend you should be willing to give them the shirt off your back if they need it. I have always tried to treat those in my life with that regard but it has become very difficult lately.

It's not that I'm angry with these so-called friends; I've just come to realize that they are a weight dragging me down. Why should I spend my time thinking about people who obviously don't think of me. I feel like it's time to cut the dead weight from my life to make room for beautiful people who will treat me the way I treat them. It brings so much happiness to me to be able to say this and mean it; there is a giant weight lifted off my shoulders.

What a difference a night makes!

After last night's low moment I'm feeling much better. I went to class this morning and am concentrating on my schoolwork and as a bonus I'm home with the kiddoes relaxing and puttering around. My worries about my life are for the most unfounded and irritating but I'm learning to live with it. My focus now is to do well for my family and surround myself with good friends who truly care about me.

My bottom just got lower.....

I don't hide the fact that I live with depression daily. With medication and therapy I've learned to get a pretty good handle on it, but I still have moments where it gets the best of me and tonight is one of those nights. As I sit here on my bed typing, I'm crying uncontrollably for no reason other than the fact that I'm lonely. I know that I have the love of my kids and family but at times like this it just doesn't make a dent in the hole that used to be my heart.

Why is it so hard to find someone to love me for who I am? Someone who will love me forever and never hurt me. All I've ever was to be completely loved by someone and the only thing I've ever found are men that take advantage of me or ones that I take advantage of.

I know it sounds really cliche, but I want one of those guys from the movies. You know, tall, goodlooking and can melt you with just one stare. A man who admits that he can't live without, smiles at you while you're sleeping and thinks you're beautiful when you've been crying and are a puffy mess. People keep telling me that if I stop looking for a man the right one will come to me or that I should just be happy with myself and with being single. Now don't get me wrong, I am pretty darn happy with myself. I'm doing well for my family and live each day to the fullest but sometimes the feeling that something is missing creeps in when I least expect it.

And what makes this time worse is the fact that I know part of what is causing it. My ex has started contacting me again. Now I don't harbour any allusions that he wants me back and I'm as ok with that as I can be. He wants to be friends and I don't think I can do it with driving myself crazy. This man broke my heart so badly that it still isn't completely back together and having contact with him just reminds how empty my life feels. It makes me feel even worse because I see that I'm pretty much basing my self-worth on whether or not I have a man and I know that is not true at all.

So here I sit trying to figure out how to talk myself out of this feeling and re-convince myself that there is nothing wrong with my life as is. I have faith that someday God will bring the right man into my life, but darn it I'm impatient. I guess for now I'll just have to dry myself to sleep and move on to the next day. If anything this just serves to prove to people that when I say I'm a little crazy, I really mean it.

Not so good

No parent is ever happy when their child gets sick, especially when its one of those nasty colds. Needless to say, both of the girls are sick and now I am coming down with it as well. Gotta love mommyhood!

I don't know if I should laugh or be offended???

Part of my oh-so-interesting life involves being a single adult. Now in the beginning I did not like being single at all, it literally scared the hell out of me. And because I was so scared I ended up getting into some relationships I probably should not have, but I have learned some very valuable lessons. I no longer mind being on my own and not focusing on having a partner. I've come to the conclusion that the right one will come along eventually and more than likely when I'm not actively looking for him.

Anyway, there are a few male acquaintances of mine who are either extremely persistent or almost non-existent. One, whom I'll refer to as M, barely knows me but is trying his hardest to "hook up" with me. Needless to say I am not interested in hooking up and he doesn't seem to get that message. Another, whom I'll refer to as K, is sweet as can be, but I just don't feel anything at all for him yet he is mildly persistent about going out. Mr. S, whom I've loved for half my life, is scared to death of relationships and fails to see what is standing right in front of him. And last but not least is Mr. F, who despite saying he's wanted to go out with me for years and getting lots of encouragement from me, is unable to find any kind of time and also very rarely speaks to me anymore.

When I was married I used to fantasize about what it would be like to be single and great it probably would be. Boy, was I wrong about that. I've met guys that go from one end of the spectrum to the other and I'm really tired of trying. I am no longer desperate to belong to someone or just have someone by my side. I don't need another person to make my life perfect, it already is. Would it be nice to have someone share my life? Absolutely! Am I going to dying trying? No way! The next man I allow into my life is going to need to understand just how lucky he is to be with someone like me.

For now, though I'm not sure if I should chuckle at some of the advances that I receive or be offended that they think I'm easy.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked!

I shouldn't have asked what's next. I just switched over to a new insurance with my new employer and unfortunately found that it does not cover my children's psychiatrist. Considering both of my children have autism and related disorders, the psychiatrist is literally the most important doctor they have. So after some quick research and a few phone calls I have an appointment for them to see a new psych and have cancelled all of the appointments we had with the old one.

Normally, something like this would stress me out for the rest of the day. Since I'm on a new track in life and feeling better about things I'm not letting this bother like I would have. I'm going to choose to look at this as something that may be for the better for all of us.

Day by day I'm keeping with my motto of "Keep on Keeping on".

Trying again

I've always meant to blog consistently but have had trouble keeping up when life gets busier than usual. Well, I've decided to give it another try, especially since my life has changed quite a bit in the last 8 months. In March I moved to a new house, in June I broke up with my boyfriend, in July I quit my job of 8 years and in September I finally got a job that I love and have made some awesome friends.

Now, that I've settled in a little bit I feel ready to try this again. The purpose of this blog will be part diary, charting my everyday life, and part journal, tracking the changes in my life and my personal being. Now, I know that diary and journal are pretty much the same word but I see them kinda differently. So here we go.