My bottom just got lower.....

I don't hide the fact that I live with depression daily. With medication and therapy I've learned to get a pretty good handle on it, but I still have moments where it gets the best of me and tonight is one of those nights. As I sit here on my bed typing, I'm crying uncontrollably for no reason other than the fact that I'm lonely. I know that I have the love of my kids and family but at times like this it just doesn't make a dent in the hole that used to be my heart.

Why is it so hard to find someone to love me for who I am? Someone who will love me forever and never hurt me. All I've ever was to be completely loved by someone and the only thing I've ever found are men that take advantage of me or ones that I take advantage of.

I know it sounds really cliche, but I want one of those guys from the movies. You know, tall, goodlooking and can melt you with just one stare. A man who admits that he can't live without, smiles at you while you're sleeping and thinks you're beautiful when you've been crying and are a puffy mess. People keep telling me that if I stop looking for a man the right one will come to me or that I should just be happy with myself and with being single. Now don't get me wrong, I am pretty darn happy with myself. I'm doing well for my family and live each day to the fullest but sometimes the feeling that something is missing creeps in when I least expect it.

And what makes this time worse is the fact that I know part of what is causing it. My ex has started contacting me again. Now I don't harbour any allusions that he wants me back and I'm as ok with that as I can be. He wants to be friends and I don't think I can do it with driving myself crazy. This man broke my heart so badly that it still isn't completely back together and having contact with him just reminds how empty my life feels. It makes me feel even worse because I see that I'm pretty much basing my self-worth on whether or not I have a man and I know that is not true at all.

So here I sit trying to figure out how to talk myself out of this feeling and re-convince myself that there is nothing wrong with my life as is. I have faith that someday God will bring the right man into my life, but darn it I'm impatient. I guess for now I'll just have to dry myself to sleep and move on to the next day. If anything this just serves to prove to people that when I say I'm a little crazy, I really mean it.