The last few weeks have been extremely difficult with the girls. Sometimes I truly feel like I am lost in this world and have no idea how to find my way.
Elizabeth is my greatest concern and I feel like such a failure when it comes to her issues. Last year school was pretty tough for her and I had so hoped that this year would be a little better. It is her second year of middle school, she knows what is expected of her and how things work in general. Unfortunately, we are two weeks into the new school year and things are worse than ever. Every morning is a challenge just to get her to go to school and when she does go, things spiral downhill very fast. She continues to butt heads with her aides and teachers. We have already had a lunch detention and next week she is scheduled to serve her very first after school detention for having given the middle finger to one of her aides when they prompted her to start her work.
As much as I know that this is an issue of her making bad choices, I feel like I am the one that has failed. What did I do to cause my child to be so completely broken? What did I do wrong in raising her?
Admittedly, I did ignore her early autism symptoms because I wasn't ready to believe that my beautiful, perfect child was anything but that. By the time both of the girls were diagnosed I had no choice but to admit the truth and even then I was still refusing to see the truth for what it was. Maybe I have done her a disservice in some ways but everything I have done was meant to be good for her. Each time I tried to help her become more independent, I was told that she needed more structure and care. Then when I started implementing new routines, professionals would end up telling me that she needed to be helped but also encouraged to be as independent as possible.
I have no idea how to fix things with her and for her. If I do things on my own at home, we tend to see very little or at least very slow progress. The option of having her committed to a psychiatric facility is still open but it breaks my heart to think of doing that to her. It feels like I am giving up on her and shutting her away.
I know there will never truly be any answers as to what is best or even what may or may not work. For now I just live with the overwhelming guilt that I have profoundly damaged my child in some way. I pray to God every day to at the very least make things a little easier for my girls; I know that true healing isn't going to happen because God made them this way for a reason and that is by no means a mistake.
No comments:
Post a Comment