Lost and lonely

I have reached a situation where I really don't know how to handle things. I am incredibly depressed about my relationship and I know that things are not going to change, but I don't feel sure about what I should do. 

I feel like an afterthought and the fact that he hasn't done anything to try to remedy the cracks in our relationship give me cause for concern. He barely spends any time with me and when he does it is usually while he is also playing a video game, watching TV or doing some other tasks. I never get his full attention and he never remembers things that I tell him. We rarely have date nights and when we do it's only because his boys are with their mother and I still have to leave my girls home. He thinks that I should let him know how I'm feeling and exactly what I need. So for instance, if I am feeling lonely because we haven't spent more than 20 minutes in each other's company, I have to tell him this because otherwise he believe things are okay. My question becomes why wouldn't he want to be near me on his own, without me having to ask. 

Anytime we do things it usually has to revolve around something for him or our time is based on other considerations of his. He talks about how I have let my kids dictate my life but he let's his boys run rampant and if I say anything, he always makes excuses. I am tired of giving and giving but not getting anything back. 

I want someone who thinks of me independently and does things because he wants to no because I asked for it. I want someone who wants to be with me and marry me because he can't imagine his life being any other way. I want a man who is not afraid to show his love and doesn't need to be reminded that his partner has needs. 

So in the end, my question is this. Do I end this relationship? Or do I become a shell of a person and keep on living this way? All I really want is to be happy and know I'm loved.

In a funk about life....

I honestly feel like I'm bi-polar lately. One minute I'm happy with the way my life is and content with the choices I've made and the next minute I feel like I'm missing huge chunks of how my life is supposed to be. 

People in my circle are getting married and here I am forcing myself to accept the fact that I will probably never marry again. The worst part is that getting married and having a better marriage than my first has been my dream for a long time. One minute I'm okay with the choice to be with someone who may never really want to marry me and the next I am overcome with utter sadness at the fact that I am never going to feel as if there is someone in this world who can't live without me as their spouse.

I used to be truly be upset at the fact that I will never have another child but honestly that is slowly fading. Yes, I used to really want another child; perhaps this time with a person that I love with all of my heart. The tide on this one has changed however since the girls are teenagers now and I don't think I have it in me to go through these years again in about a decade.

When the girls father died I believed that I would finally be able to live the life I'd always wanted. I just knew I would find someone that couldn't live without me, would marry me, add to the family and provide me with my dream life. Unfortunately I have learned that that is exactly what it was, just a dream. I've dated a variety of guys and either they weren't ready for a full family life or they had some kind of hang up about committing to someone or they just turned out to be total assholes. 

At this point, I don't feel like anyone loves me enough to want to marry me and it even hurts to consider how different scenarios from my past my have played out. I just feel so confused right now and I have absolutely no clue how to pull myself out of it. 

I love but don't feel loved, I care for but don't feel cared for, I dream but am not dreamed of. And to top it all off I feel completely pathetic about all of this.

Slowly sinking.....

Days like today are highly deceptive.

This morning was a little rough because Mother wasn't feeling her best but it was nothing that concerned me too much as she often has bouts of anxiety due to sleeplessness and other feelings of despair. I left for work with the same excitement as always, and this is not sarcasm because I truly love my job and have finally found my niche. But alas, the feelings of happiness were not to last.

During my typical first break phone call I learned that Grace had a headache/seizure episode which automatically put me on high alert. I feel personally responsible for this one because it was most likely brought on by the fact that she had missed a dose of her seizure medicine because I failed to check what time the pharmacy closed and was unable to pickup her prescription. Thankfully, she recovered quickly and was her regular self throughout the rest of the day. 

Fast forward to the end of my day and I now have a massive headache myself because I haven't exactly been eating properly and the extended screen time at work, as well as the heat, are effecting me. I finally made it to the pharmacy and picked up the necessary medications and then off to home to see how everyone is doing. At this point I should note that Elizabeth is a few days in to a medication change for her mood issues and is having a very emotional transition period. She periodically cries about perceived problems, openly tells me she is depressed, says that she sometimes wishes she were dead and talks often of leaving because she believes that everything would be better if she were on her own. 

Needless to say, I came home to a mess of human beings. Mom still wasn't feeling the best and was hungry, Grace was better but still her typical whiny self and Elizabeth was one breath away from a breakdown the minute I walked through the door. I hope I don't sound cruel or uncaring but I really don't have any more energy in me to have a care for anyone else who is not my children or mother. With that said, it frustrates me to no end to see Geoff have an exasperated look because I didn't make an actual dinner and he had to figure out what to feed the boys. Dear God, I am not going to be responsible for everything anymore. I am already dealing with enough stress as it is and quite frankly all he seems to do is add to my problems rather than alleviate some of them. 

This past year and especially the past six months have shown me a lot of things to think about and have taught me a lot of things about myself that I hadn't noticed before. I am tired of being the giver and carer all the time; I have a natural human duty to give and care for my children and mother but that is it. Anyone else wanting to benefit from my good nature is going to have to earn it and quite frankly I have never met any one who was able in the slightest way to be giving of themselves without expectation.

Through all of this turmoil at present, I have found myself seeing many things in a new light. My children's issues, however difficult they are, are not as damnable as we sometimes think. My girls have some pretty awesome abilities and have taught me how to look at the world differently. Mother has taught me a strength that I never knew we could possess. Everyday life is difficult for her but still she perseveres. She tries to hide the fact that she feels scared and alone but I am somehow able to see through the thick curtain that she has hung around herself. I find myself making it a point to buoy her spirits and try to talk her through the tough times. Meanwhile, I still do all of this by myself which has been the most powerful thing of all for me. I have learned that even with a so-called partner, I am more than capable of handling life and running my household. Unfortunately, I am also seeing that sometimes having a partner is more of a hindrance than a help. 

My comfort is in knowing that this day is pretty much at an end and that the sunrise brings an opportunity for a better day. It is very interesting to see how God is shaping my life and is truly amazing and awe inspiring to see how the story he wrote for my life, before I was even born, is making me into a better person, parent and Godly servant. Life definitely looks a lot different than it did at any previous point in time.

Slowly bangs head against wall.....

I am my own worst enemy. Somehow I can take a relatively good situation and beat it down to depression. There is nothing really wrong in my current relationship but I am so incredibly unhappy at the moment. My brain won't shut up and then my body starts yelling at me because I'm stressing it out and I just feel like crumbling and blowing away in the wind. It really is like I'm slowly banging my head against a wall. I need to enjoy what I have before I end up making mistakes that could be life changing.

Time flies....

So much has happened among my family over the last several months and normally I would find myself in the center of the swirling vortex. I am happy to report that deep within my soul I am a pillar of peace! While I have my opinions about other people's choices and actions, I am determined to keep them to myself and maintain the little island of happiness that I have created.

Part of this new state includes admitting my own shortcomings. I am jealous of what some have been able to attain, I am upset that it seems others have very little confidence in me, I feel ashamed that I sometimes feel burdened by loved ones and I do honestly wish some people ill because they have crossed lines that I feel are very important.

All in all, while it may not sound very healthy, this newly found emotional state of being is serving me quite well. I take full responsibility for my flaws and feel comfortable admitting to myself that while others may have flaws, their problems are not mine. My only hope is that my inner state of peace continues to spread throughout the rest of my life and I soon find peace amid my daily stresses as well.

The good, the bad and the WTH.......

About two months or so ago I made the difficult decision to have my fallopian tubes tied off as a means of permanent birth control. I had always hoped for more children but as time has gone by and my daughters have grown I had come to realize that perhaps what I wanted was not what was best for us as a family. Even when I was seeking new relationships, I did so with the thought of "Would this person want to have a child of their own with me?". 

When Geoff and I got together I still considered a child of our own as a real possibility. But as well settled in to what is now a really great relationship, we both talked it over and concluded that a baby was not what we wanted. And so, I made that difficult decision to have surgery and end what had been a dream of mine for years.

While closing that door has been easier than I had previously thought, the changes that have come with this new journey are more than I had expected. The hormonal changes have been more than I could have anticipated and some days I feel like I am going crazy. I do believe that luck is on my side give the fact that I am able to recognize my symptoms, know that they are just chemical reactions and redirect my thoughts in order to circumvent the craziness. It is tiring however and I do hope that it passes sooner rather than later. One moment I am emotional and then that fades to reality which then fades to quiet anger and that in turn fades again to reality and a little shame for being so petty.

Despite the discomforts I may have to deal with, they pale in comparison to how glad I am that I made the choice I did and followed through with it. That which does not kill us, makes us stronger and by George, I am going to be as strong as is humanly possible.

"When the sun is shining I can do anything; no mountain is too high, no trouble too difficult to overcome."  - Wilma Rudolph

Life improved....

The "a-ha" moments continue to roll in and honestly they come to me like a gentle wave washing over me. My therapist has helped me to realize several very important things. 

Firstly, I have come to more completely realize that not everything is my fault and that I cannot and should not try to fix everyone and every situation. I don't have to sacrifice myself in order to fix things that had nothing to do with me after all.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with telling someone what I need in order to be happy. For a long time I have felt as if it was more important to keep everyone else happy and not worry about myself. Now, I am becoming more comfortable with putting myself on the same level with everyone else.

Thirdly, I am a great person with flaws. I have the ability to be a drama queen, a victim, a smart ass, an overly emotional person, extremely sensitive, jealous and whole slew of other descriptors. Regardless I am a perfectly good person.

Not bad, I must say. My therapist may be a bit of a hippie but he really has helped me to see the world as it is and not how my fuzzy brain wants it to be. It's nice to have someone who not only supports me but also can give me the metaphorical kick in the ass that I sometimes need.

Slow Fade

The speed of life has left me feeling depressed, drained and saddened. Things do not seem to change for the better. My girls will always have problems with their respective mental states and the other illnesses that seem to pile on top, mother's condition will never reverse and she will continue to need ever growing care, my financial well being seems as if it will forever be precariously perched on the edge of having absolutely nothing and the personal part of my life seems to be headed in a direction I'm all too familiar with, which is giving my partner everything I've got and not really getting much in return.

I feel like I am fighting a house fire with a spritzing bottle of water. Just once I would like for someone to say, "Hey, don't worry about this, I will take care of it". I literally feel like I am dying while trying to run a race. Making things even worse is the fact that I am actually afraid to express my feelings to any one because fear of how they will perceive me. I've already been told that I act like a victim and every time I think of that it just makes me more depressed.

I feel like a failure at everything right now. Almost two months and I haven't been able to find a job, Elizabeth's sleep issues have now been diagnosed as Chronic Obstructive Sleep Apnea, Geoff is going to battle for custody of his boys and things are just flying off the rails. So here I am trying to keep us afloat financially and ensure that we don't lose anything, I'm traveling to doctors trying to get answers about the girls issues and I'm being incredibly supportive of Geoff and his decisions. The sad thing is I feel like there is no one doing any of these with me let alone for me. 

With all of this going on my depression creeps over me evermore and I feel as if my self, the happy person inside me, is slowly fading away into an abyss. I cannot keep up the fight much longer.