I'm kinda trying to pause my thoughts and feelings right where they are now because I know if I continue I am going to end up regressing in my progress. I have been able to emotionally detach myself more from a person who is just not able to be what I need and I really am afraid that I will allow myself to get pulled back in. I have to admit that the loneliness still digs at me and I find myself thinking about how to meet someone. Inevitably, that gets me to thinking about possibly going back to trying online dating but that is a horrible idea. I have never had very good luck with the whole online thing plus there is the whole thing about not really knowing who it is you are talking to or what their real intentions are.
When I start to feel like this, I keep reminding myself that, first and foremost, I need to take care of myself and my responsibilities. I hear a lot about how you need to love yourself first before someone else can love you. Well, I'm going to make sure that I keep a positive attitude and enjoy myself and my life. People really do look at you differently when you smile and exude happiness and contentment. All of the crazy feelings and disappointment are going to be the fuel for me to take care of myself and present a better me to the world as a whole.
Thanks to someone I once knew I've been able to gain a new perspective of myself and it is incredibly helpful.
I care too much about people who really are not a part of my life. Part of that caring extends to feeling like I need to fix people. For the past several months I have been conversing with a person that I've known for some time. This person has had many troubles in life and I feel sorry for him/her. As is typical for my personality type, I have tried to support this person emotionally and help them move forward but this particular case has shown that my good intentions are very capable of being misplaced.
When I was recently feeling low I sent this person a message hoping to find a little understanding and maybe some comfort. To my dismay, this person did not answer my message and has kind of blown me off. To make things more interesting, the person messaged me earlier to ask how I was doing and told me how bad a weekend they had and how they are tired of certain situations which they allow to happen. That kinda just blew things out of the water for me. I would think that if I've been there for you when you've felt so incredibly low that the very least you could do is be there for me.
This is exactly the kind of behavior that I am sick and tired of having to deal with. People don't deserve how great a friend I am and the things I am willing to do for them. Now I do have to be honest and say that I had developed some feelings for this person and that has influenced my ire a little more than usual.
I guess the point of this story is that I have learned to no longer be so giving of myself to others. It's one thing to help someone in need, but it is another thing to actually feel like you've given someone a piece of your soul. Part of my new perspective has been realizing that I am still so desperate to be in a relationship, that I am willing to do almost anything with the hope that the person will fall in love with me. From here on out I am not selling myself short anymore. I have proven that I don't need a man in my life but that I would like to have someone to share my life with. There is now a very clear line drawn as to what I am willing to do for so-called friends and this current incident is going to serve as a reminder that I deserve so much more from people than what I currently get.
I recently read a letter from another autism mom describing the different milestones we as autism parents experience. It reminded of the most profound milestone that both my girls struggled to accomplish and it was as saying "my name is _______ ".
It broke my heart when between the ages of 2 and 3 years old both the girls just stopped progressing in their speech. Suddenly, instead of moving on to 5 or more word sentences, we were stuck at the same 2 and 3 word sentences that they had been using. They even continued using pointing and grunting to communicate their needs. Admittedly, I tried to deny that there was anything wrong with my children. I couldn't imagine that seemingly perfect babies could have something wrong with them.
In an effort to help them along I spent a lot of time with them going over the basics. We would sit in one of the bedrooms, so there would be no distractions, and I would point to myself and say "my name is mommy" and then point to them hoping they would say their own name. I can't count the number of times I was answered with "my name is mommy". Not only did I get frustrated by this but the kids did too because mommy kept insisting that that wasn't right and we had to do it again.
When the day came that they finally answered me with "you are mommy" and "I'm Lizzie (or Grace)", as the case may be, I was almost in tears. I could never have imagined that that would be one of the smaller hurdles that we would have to climb.
This journey has certainly been one I never could have planned for and it will be a journey that we as a family will continue on for the foreseen future. We have learned good and bad things about ourselves in our day-to-day life, myself included. The most important lesson has been for me, though. I have learned to be more accepting, to realize that what we imagine is nowhere near reality and to thank God every day for the small steps forward while asking Him for forgiveness and help on the huge steps backwards.
I am truly blessed that God had so much confidence in me that He felt I was the best parent for these two amazing gifts. And as God as my witness, I will not let Him down.
