Loving the new me :-)

So, I have to share how fricking happy I am about recent events. I now have definitive proof that I am a changed person!

I am going to try and not make this the longest story ever but here goes. I had recently met a nice man online and struck up a conversation with him. We chatted via email for awhile and then graduated to texting. Twice now he has taken me to lunch and this past Saturday night he cooked dinner for me and rented a movie for us to watch. He is a really nice guy and seems to be somewhat stable and decent.

 Now here is where the change in me is apparent. Normally, my crazy brain would have me imagining a life with this man and all the trappings that go along with that. However, I haven't really thought about any of that stuff. I like him and he's nice enough but I just don't get that relationship train of thought with him. I'm really comfortable with us just being friends and hanging out.

I can honestly say this is the first time in my entire life where I haven't completely fell like a ton of bricks. It's nice not to feel like just because someone was nice to me that I have just fallen in love with them. To me it is kind of like an affirmation that 1) I don't need a man to be a complete person 2) it isn't really difficult to wait for the one you deserve and 3) my heart may still have some scars but it has healed twice as better than it ever was.

I'm already making big plans for 2014 and I trust in myself and God that it will be the best year yet. There really is nothing that can stop me now!!!!

Ummmm........what just happened?

I don't feel obsessed and I have absolutely no anxiety. These two things pretty much mean that my emotions and thoughts are in the rational zone. Woohoo!!! It kinda feels weird but I like this. Life has become a daily joy even with crappy things going on. Wow, I'm not sure I can clearly express my feelings on this. I think it's going to take some time to get used to these new feelings.

Low points lead to high roads....

Last night was tough beyond belief. I thought I was doing so great but 10 solid minutes of crying knocked me off of that feeling.

I love the holidays but they are sometimes a sad reminder of the things I miss in life. Last night it just hit me hard that I am missing the kind of love I desire the most. I know my children, my mother and my family all love. I know God loves me. To me those are kind of obligated forms of love, they are unconditional and a part of the world. The love of another person in the context of a relationship is completely different to me. When you are in a relationship with someone who loves you that is a real love to me. The other person loves you without obligation and has followed the strength of their emotion for you; it is a love that doesn't see with blinders on.

I felt so silly for crying about it all. My life is good and I am very thankful for everyone who does love me. I believe God has a love in store for me and that when it happens it will be the most incredible love I will have ever encountered. Until that time comes I am going to keep believing and moving toward the light, so to speak.

Blaaaaah.....

I feel like I've hit a wall in my life. It's only a short term problem but I don't like the feeling of it. I'm guessing it's just the effect of an unusual week for me. I worked every day from 9am to 5pm which is highly unusual. Because of the full work schedule I got a little behind on one of my classes and had to rush a two paper in one day. Then earlier in the week I met up with a friend, which in itself isn't a bad thing but there are lingering feelings and thoughts I have for this person. I'm thankful that I've made a lot of progress in rationalizing my feelings and keeping them from going completely haywire. Still with all the progress I have not been able to completely rid myself of the habit of getting easily emotionally attached to people. But all in all, despite the feelings and uncertainty, I've kept moving forward and that is what is most important. Add on the fact that the house is a mess since I haven't been home much and the kids have been having their typical issues so it's been very crazy.

Now that I read what I've been typing, I think it sounds kinda whiny and I don't like that. I try not to whine about things because I know I'm very lucky and I have a lot more than some in this world. I know there are still a few changes that I need to make in my life and the realization of that is slowly starting to set in. First and foremost, I need to get healthier, not only for myself but for the kids. Step one in that process is going to be cutting out all fast food and take out. Step two is going to be giving up my soda addiction and that is going to be the hardest thing of all for me. I know that losing some weight, becoming more active and in general increasing my physical health will end up improving my mental health as well.

Ugh, now that I'm reading all this I feel kinda bad about myself. I'm gonna use that shame to motivate myself to do this. It's hell or high water time baby.

Interesting changes abound!

I have dedicated a great deal of time to addressing my depression and anxiety issues, as well as my self esteem and confidence. I can finally say with great pride that I now actually see changes in me that are moving me in the right direction.

For one, I make it a point of finding joy in every day and of reminding myself of all that I have to be thankful for, praise be to God. Secondly, I have pushed myself to see that my life is absolutely perfect without having a man in my life and that, if I were to be blessed with a relationship with a man, it would be only an addition to my happiness and not the sole cause of it. Thirdly, I have found great joy in that I know I can repeat a situation, previously detrimental to my mental well-being, and find that I can remove most of the emotion I would normally attach and just let things be as they are. Fourthly, I spend a great deal more time improving my relationships with my children and family. I find it easier to express my love and gratitude more than ever before. Fifthly, I have put more pride and time into my schoolwork and am putting more effort into trying to figure out where I want my degree to take me. Sixthly, I am making more conscious efforts to correct my financial blunders and put us on a secure path.

I think that the most poignant thing I have learned is that every single piece of this life that was given to me, is a gift. I have learned to stop looking at things as if I deserve them and more as if have I earned them. I have everything could ever possibly need to succeed in life and admittedly there are quite a number of things that I have taken for granted and passed over.

I like to think of things in the context of "sink or swim". I can choose to stop moving and sink to the bottom of the black hole that life sometimes feels like or I can choose to keep moving and swim to the next island of opportunity. I have to admit that this is a funny choice for a motto considering the fact that I can't swim at all, but it does fit the situation well. What a difference a day makes and I will never stop moving toward that next day!