Last night was tough beyond belief. I thought I was doing so great but 10 solid minutes of crying knocked me off of that feeling.
I love the holidays but they are sometimes a sad reminder of the things I miss in life. Last night it just hit me hard that I am missing the kind of love I desire the most. I know my children, my mother and my family all love. I know God loves me. To me those are kind of obligated forms of love, they are unconditional and a part of the world. The love of another person in the context of a relationship is completely different to me. When you are in a relationship with someone who loves you that is a real love to me. The other person loves you without obligation and has followed the strength of their emotion for you; it is a love that doesn't see with blinders on.
I felt so silly for crying about it all. My life is good and I am very thankful for everyone who does love me. I believe God has a love in store for me and that when it happens it will be the most incredible love I will have ever encountered. Until that time comes I am going to keep believing and moving toward the light, so to speak.
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