Fickle and pickle.....

I truly believe that family is sometimes a punishment instead of a blessing. Having now distanced myself from my siblings, I have to admit that I feel much more motivated to be a better person. More so than when a certain someone is breathing down my back about how I need to keep up with things. Better yet, I apparently have to be extremely secretive when expressing my emotions regarding certain situations because those who profess that they have no interest in social media seem to know everything that is posted in social media. I am now fully dedicated to just living my life and fulfilling my duties to those that I have pledged to care for. 

All in all, a real fun place to be. If I ever feel the need to vent again I will most certainly be doing here on Blogger, where I know no one is spying.

How do you let a dream go?

All of my life I have had the dream of having an amazing, loving marriage that made me feel complete. Now I have to consider letting that dream go.

Needless to say, my marriage to the girls' father was in no way truly happy or loving or anything like a dream. I felt I didn't have much choice but to marry him considering past actions. But once he passed away I thanked God that I might actually have the opportunity to find the love I've always wanted and have the kind of marriage that I wanted.

Now, however, I am left to wonder if that dream will stay just that, a dream that I will never realize. 

I have found love with a great and amazing man and I am thankful for that. The sad part is that his marriage to his children's mother has soured him on the idea of ever marrying again, I believe. While he has said that if marriage is something I really want then he is willing, but I don't just want someone to be willing to get married because it's something that I really want. I want someone to love me so completely that they can't imagine not being married to me. It is true that it is possible to have an absolutely amazing relationship, and one that lasts for a lifetime, without the convention of marriage. I just never thought that that was how I was going to end up living my life.

So now I am at an awful crossroads. Do I let go of my dream and just play house for the rest of my life or do I let go of my love and be alone for the rest of my life? Sounds easy, doesn't it? I never really thought about whether or not I was going to have to let go of certain things just to have something that is equally important. Either way I am left with a loss and I wish it were easy to reconcile myself to one or the other.

For now, my heart hurts but, as it is my fatal flaw, I will soldier on in silence and bear the pain I feel that I brought on myself. I guess it really was silly of me to think that I would have all of the things I've dreamed of but never had.

Lost and crying....

The last few weeks have been extremely difficult with the girls. Sometimes I truly feel like I am lost in this world and have no idea how to find my way.

Elizabeth is my greatest concern and I feel like such a failure when it comes to her issues. Last year school was pretty tough for her and I had so hoped that this year would be a little better. It is her second year of middle school, she knows what is expected of her and how things work in general. Unfortunately, we are two weeks into the new school year and things are worse than ever. Every morning is a challenge just to get her to go to school and when she does go, things spiral downhill very fast. She continues to butt heads with her aides and teachers. We have already had a lunch detention and next week she is scheduled to serve her very first after school detention for having given the middle finger to one of her aides when they prompted her to start her work. 

As much as I know that this is an issue of her making bad choices, I feel like I am the one that has failed. What did I do to cause my child to be so completely broken? What did I do wrong in raising her? 

Admittedly, I did ignore her early autism symptoms because I wasn't ready to believe that my beautiful, perfect child was anything but that. By the time both of the girls were diagnosed I had no choice but to admit the truth and even then I was still refusing to see the truth for what it was. Maybe I have done her a disservice in some ways but everything I have done was meant to be good for her. Each time I tried to help her become more independent, I was told that she needed more structure and care. Then when I started implementing new routines, professionals would end up telling me that she needed to be helped but also encouraged to be as independent as possible. 

I have no idea how to fix things with her and for her. If I do things on my own at home, we tend to see very little or at least very slow progress. The option of having her committed to a psychiatric facility is still open but it breaks my heart to think of doing that to her. It feels like I am giving up on her and shutting her away. 

I know there will never truly be any answers as to what is best or even what may or may not work. For now I just live with the overwhelming guilt that I have profoundly damaged my child in some way. I pray to God every day to at the very least make things a little easier for my girls; I know that true healing isn't going to happen because God made them this way for a reason and that is by no means a mistake.

Hitting that metaphorical wall...

I have but one question. Why is it that when my life is going relatively good and there are no major issues, that my depression rears it's ugly and sickening head?

Now I do have to admit that there are a few issues occurring within my circle, none of them have any real or direct impact on me. Now we all know that I am an extremely emotional person who often takes on other peoples' problems because of a false sense of duty or caring. But this time it has nearly taken over my thoughts and is causing me great distress. The part that frustrates me the most is that I can in no way verbalize why someone else's misfortune is causing me so much pain.

I am really in a place right now where I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I have no tears left in my body. I have no passion for life or people at the moment and am literally in pain. 

Ok, perhaps I can verbalize some of what is bothering me. Someone I know is going through a very unfortunate personal situation at the moment. As is typical with me, I have sat and listened to everything this person has had to say on the subject and admittedly most of the language used is not at all pretty. I have been supportive but yet tried to stay polite and as neutral as possible seeing as how I have no place in this situation other than as an outside friend.

Meanwhile, I am left to deal with my misfortunes on my own for several reasons. One, I feel absolutely terrible about laying my burdens at someone else's feet and expecting any kind of support or sympathy. Two, when my acquaintance and I do speak, and the conversation is not regarding the current predicament, I feel it necessary to try and boost this persons spirits. And thirdly, I shouldn't have to, damn it!! 

I did nothing in this life to facilitate the issues that I face in my life. I've mentioned before that my girls both have autism and a few other related disorders. Now both of my girls have been afflicted by unknown neurological disorders. As if what we have to deal with daily is not enough, I now have to watch my oldest daughter have seizures and my youngest have migraines so debilitating that she loses the ability to speak. As if that is not enough, I am still dealing with abnormal Pap Smear tests and the fact that I have unexplained lesions in my cervical area. I am scared to death that it is eventually going to become cancer. Every few months I have to endure exams that include taking biopsy samples and the pain of the procedures. 

I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they are there for me without me having to be the stronger person because of what they are having to deal with. I have plenty of people around me who I know are here to support and help but I still feel so lonely. Add on that the fact that I feel like a complete failure in just about every other aspect of my life. I feel like I have somehow failed my children because of the problems they have and sometimes I feel like maybe God cursed them because of something I did. I have failed at keeping our finances in good shape and providing a stable yet enriching life. I feel like I fail at everything. 

I happen to come across a message the other day that I think is really the point of what I'm going through. "Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to know that God is your rock". I very much hope that that is the point of all this because otherwise I do not know what is. Now that I've gotten some of this out in the open, I do feel that a small weight has been lifted off my shoulders but mainly I just feel dead inside, absolutely numb. My only saving grace right now is the hope that by disconnecting from the rest of the world and just insulating myself from everything around me, I will somehow manage to overcome this and feel happiness once again. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Work in progress....

This past weekend has shown me that, as a person, I am truly a work in progress. Sometimes I do fool myself into thinking that I have completely overcome a good deal of my issues, but often I am gently reminded that, like any disease, I may never actually be rid of them. While I am more confident and stronger than I've ever been, there are times where my insecurities come flooding back and I am engulfed with despair. Thankfully, I am able to see that these feelings are not a product of my current place in life. Unfortunately, I believe I will have recurrences like these for the rest of my life and the most important impact they will have is regarding how I choose to deal with them.

I am strong enough to say now that I have been damaged by past relationships and that a lot of that damage is because I chose to blind myself to the other person's faults. I so desperately wanted to be loved that I chose to ignore the signals that things were not quite right. Now when the insecurities surface, I am able to recognize that they have nothing to do with the present day and that I cannot hold anyone up to the standards that I once allowed myself to be judged by.

There are times when I do feel as if I have a lot more work to do on myself and a whole lot more to learn. I don't believe that God wants us to become stagnant; He made us as people who should continuously grow and move forward. So I begin and end each day with a prayer of thanks. Each day I am blessed with the opportunity to grow and improve and at the end of each day I am thankful for whatever amount of progress I have made, whether it be visible or not.

Life is good

Things have been absolutely fantastic!!!!!! My new relationship continues to blossom every day and now I can reveal his name to be Geoff Saunders. He is so amazing, to the point where I didn't know what I was missing until I found him. He has made my life so much better. I have been able to let go of all the past hurts and literally forget about some of those in my past. 

I am, however, continuing to take things on a slow, day to day basis. I have true faith that this is going to be a very healthy, long-term relationship. In effort to be absolutely honest with myself, I must admit that I do also hope that we end up marrying but I am not going to base my actions or my future on that prospect.

It's kind of ironic how my life changed when I finally let go of unrealistic expectations and just let life flow. 

Small steps, big hopes

Time to continue on my journey of explaining this relationship journey. 

The past month has really been surprising for me; I wasn't expecting to meet someone who truly fills a void in my life. 

Contrary to what I've done in past relationships, I have not rushed anything with this man. I have not dreamed up any expectations nor have I set any type of timeline. This has literally been moving one day at a time and each really does get better than the last. While we have many things in common, our differences seem to complement one another. He is sweet and caring and I find myself caring about him and his kids without my usual need to actually take care of them.

One surprising thing has occurred though, I sometimes find myself compelled to say I love you. I clearly know that we are nowhere near the point of talking actual love but my heart, head and soul are telling me that I can definitely love this man.

Okay, that's enough ruminating about this man and our newly born relationship. I am going to continue to pray that I have found the one and that each day brings us closer together.

How do you know?

For the sake of proper credit, I did not come up with this title on my own. It is the title of a Reese Witherspoon movie from a couple of years ago; also interesting is the fact that I own this movie but have yet to watch it. Anyhoo, I find my personal life on a current path that I had hoped for but never really expected.

I jumped back into the online dating world a few months ago and started having typical results. I went in to this foray with clear guidelines that I was going to follow. I would not message any male first and while I was open to meeting and hanging out, sex was a backburner thought. So after the first huge mistake was made, which was a very conceited, self-centered man, I reevaluated myself and tried again. Strike number two was a young man who seemed very interested and had many things in common. Alas, apparently he found a bigger, better deal because he completely stopped communicating with me without giving any explanation or notice.

After dealing with the mental and emotional fallout from those two, I decided that there had to be something different that I could do. So once again I carefully sifted through the single men on the website. Most of the profiles online are banal at best; I mean it's either a man who thinks he's the greatest catch in the world or a man who has been so hurt that he basically writes a description of hope and despair. In an effort to give everyone a fair shake, I began my reading. 

After a short while, I read a profile that really stopped me in my tracks and made me laugh, in a good way. This man in particular described himself as a good guy who was a sports nut and that any woman that might be interested in him would have to deal with his watching sports or join him in the watching. I guess in a way it felt like a challenge to me, am I woman enough to deal with a man of his type.

I sent him a message and thus started a fairly interesting conversation. At first, things looked kind of iffy at best. This man likes hardcore music compared to my country, he is in the process of a divorce and just in general was different than I expected. However, I decided that I was not going to push him aside, as others have done to me, just because there were a few differences. 

It has been nearly a month since we began seeing each other and close to three weeks since we affirmed that we are only seeing each other. Not to jinx anything but I like this man very much and sincerely hope that things go well. 

Since I have to get off of here, I will continue this update in the next day or so.

Feels like I'm falling....

Just when I thought I had regained control of my emotions and feelings regarding relationships, I get a huge punch in the gut. 

My last relationship literally destroyed for some time and eventually I felt like I had come through the fire and emerged from the ashes a new woman. However, recent events have shown that I am not as healed as I thought I was. I met a man about two weeks ago via an online dating website. He is a very nice man who has a similar background to mine and genuinely seems to like me. Now for the hitch in my otherwise dreamy tale. He is spending the weekend at his family home which is about 3 hours away from here. He usually texts me fairly regularly but I haven't heard from him in about 12 hours and my mind is racing.

I could barely sleep last night because of dreams that he wanted nothing to do with me. This morning I am a complete ball of nerves. My stomach feels wretched, my nerves are hanging by a thread, my heart is racing and my blood pressure is elevated. Apparently I am not over the damage that was done to me a year ago. 

I am trying not to think about things nor make any judgments of this new person based on what someone else once did to me. Admittedly, it is very difficult for me to sit here and remain calm about everything. If he really meant what he has said to me then I trust that he really does like me and want to spend time with me. 

Early this morning I had a long conversation with God. He knows my heart better than anyone. I admitted that, while I would love to ask that this man not hurt me and for him to be the one, the true things that I needed to pray for was strength, patience and understanding. 

I most sincerely hope that this man is thinking of me right about now and that he is truly enjoying his time with his family. I will keep faith that he is going text or call me sooner rather than later and that we are still on for going to the movies tonight. 

I'm scared by what all these emotions mean for me. Does it mean that I'm never really going to get past the hurt? Does it mean no one is ever really going to love me? Will I possibly ruin a relationship? I don't know the answers to the questions and I accept that that is the way things are meant to be. 

In the meantime, I'm going to cross my fingers, keep myself busy and pray that this man comes through for me.

Moving on...

I believe I have finally reached the point in my life where I am able to completely move on from my past and start a whole new future. Today marks 5 years exactly since my husband passed away and while I still remember the day with solemnity, this year in particular has been marked with a new phase of life.

In 5 years time, I have learned more lessons about myself than I ever thought possible. I have come to understand that just because I am not in a relationship does not mean that I am less of a person. It is not necessary to repeat the mistakes of my past simply because that is all I know. I have learned to take every misfortune and heartache as an opportunity to grow and better myself. Most importantly, I have learned to love myself for all that I am and for all that I am not.

So many things have shaped the person that I am today and I thank God for every single one of them. My life so far has illustrated an old saying, "If you want to see a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain".

And we're back......

....back to the cycle of mild depression caused by loneliness. Life has been going really good for me and I'm not really in a bad place, but I still find myself thinking about relationships. For some reason here lately I have been thinking of someone that is almost like forbidden fruit at this point. We used to work together and have always acknowledged our mutual attraction. At the time, we were both in long term relationships and weren't really willing to cross that line. Once things changed we talked about getting together for a drink and kept making soft plans but his plans always fell through. I have to admit that each time I was somewhat devastated but I kept moving on with my life.

Lately, however, I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I can visualize his eyes, hair, the cheesy, adorable mustache, the tattoos, how he looks in jeans and boots and even how he looked when he was in uniform. If I'm going to be totally honest, I do have to admit that I've always harbored the hope that he would fall madly in love with me but I won't hold my breath on that one.

Sometimes I wonder about why we haven't been able to actually make a date happen. Is he scared of me? Do I really intimidate him? Is really not interested in anything but sex? Is he afraid of falling in love with me? Now that I see what I've been thinking, it sounds really lame. Even lamer is the fact that I posted a Missed Connections thing on Craigslist in the town he lives. I was hoping maybe he would see that and think of me.

Well, I think this blog serves as proof of just how pathetic I truly am. Just as I have done before, I am going to keep moving forward and hopefully something will happen for me.

That old familiar feeling

That feeling of being lovelorn has returned and, while it is somewhat depressing, it is no longer debilitating. Yes, it brings tears to my eyes to think of the things I miss about having a significant other. I miss gentle kisses that speak of more than just love, I miss the soft brush of a man's hand against my cheek, I miss having someone to laugh with and even at me, but most of all I just miss someone being with and loving me because they can't imagine anything else better in the world.

I am beginning to think that the kind of love my heart aches for doesn't truly exist. The past has taught me that most people have very different motives for "loving" someone; I use the quotation marks because in my rather limited experience no one has truly loved me as I have felt that I loved them. As much as I have tried to blame those people, I have to admit that it really isn't all their fault. Maybe if I didn't have such a profound amount of love to give and such an old-fashioned sense of what love should be I might have been more attractive to those who have left me.

In all honesty, I am happy with my current situation. I love my children and we have become so much more close since I am raising them on my own, but there is always something missing. The best way to describe it is as if I have a tiny pinprick in my heart. It's not really noticeable and my heart continues to beat normally, but with every beat a tiny, immeasurable amount of my being seeps from that unseen opening. I will most likely be able to continue through life on my own and without the love of another, but what no one else will ever see is the tiny part of me that has died inside. A lifeless soul, withered by loneliness.

As with most feelings, my sadness at being forlorn is made somewhat more bothersome by those who have what I wish for but, in my humble opinion, do not deserve it. I question why someone like me who is honest, caring and faithful is alone and all the meanwhile someone who has lied, cheated and in general been a woman of, essentially, ill-repute, has found another great love in her life and everyone thinks she is such a wonderful and deserving person. I know it is wrong to be jealous and that karma will find this person in due time but it is very difficult to watch others flaunt something that I have longed, wished and prayed for but have yet to find.

Everyone says that I should just be patient and that if it is meant to be, someone will come along for me. I have one question for those who say that. Were you just sitting at home when the love of your life found you? Now, I don't suppose myself to know every one's history but I would hazard a guess that the majority of answers would be no. Most people were doing something or were somewhere when they were first noticed. I, on the other hand, can always be found in the same places. There definitely are no men in my home, hence my frustrations. I do happen to meet men through my work, but unfortunately most men buying houses already have wives and if they don't, I am certainly far down the list of attractive ladies in my building. The kids schools is usually a good place to find another single parent, but as far as I can tell no one looks at me twice much less speaks to me. Besides, I'm pretty sure no one wants to get involved with the single mom who spends all her time in the special needs room. If I'm not in one of those three places there are only a few others where I can be found. I very seriously doubt I would ever be able to meet someone at one of the many doctors appointments that we go to on a regular basis. My college classes do have a variety of men in them but most are either fresh out of high school or are entering what I call their "second phase of life", married a decade or two and kids all grown up.

So, perhaps this rather lengthy entry will serve as some explanation for what is wrong with me. Honestly, I don't really think anything is wrong with me; all I want to do is love another human being, whom is not my child or family member, with all of my heart and being. I don't want to kidnap, control or anything remotely crazy (but I'm sure some people have thought that about me). I just want to love and be loved; no false facades, no strings attached, no unearthly hurt. I just want someone to love me because they can't imagine ever loving anyone else.

The highs and lows...

For all of the wonderful, empowering moments I've had lately I have finally hit the low point in this vicious cycle. 

I have truly loved learning that I am good enough just on my own; I don't need to be in a relationship to feel my best. On the flip side of that is the darker moments that I am having now. I feel like a completely crashed person, an empty shell.

In some degree I think it's partly just being rundown. I do so much and take care of everyone that I never really take care of myself and no one else is going to take care of me. Sometimes I wish I really could just crawl in a dark hole and hide.

If I don't learn to let go of some of this stress then it is going to start having some adverse effects on me. I'm beginning to notice that a majority of my muscles stay tense when I really should be relaxed, I'm getting tons more headaches than I used to, I constantly feeling like I'm coming down sick and I feel like I am literally one breath away from completely crumbling.

Reflecting....

Tonight, while watching one of my absolute favorite movies, Jane Eyre, I was reminded of something I miss very much. Kissing, specifically that all consuming, passionate kiss that leaves you breathless. I've had some very amazing kisses in my life but I still believe that there is someone out there who will completely shatter my world with a kiss. I imagine him grabbing me by the waist, pulling me close and possessing my lips with a passion I have never felt before.

Well, I've got to move on from this topic, otherwise I'll spend all night thinking about kisses and then wind up depressed because I don't have anyone to kiss.

The journey begins...

... and here is the first step. Today is the the first day of my journey to lose weight and live a more healthful lifestyle. So, in order to start things right I have taken pictures of how I look now and will update each month with a new picture and my weight. This is the year of no excuses and no regrets!