Sick...

Looks like I will ringing in the new year by trying to get rid of whatever virus has invaded my body. No worries, though. I am so intent on making 2014 the best year ever that I have no problem starting by cleansing my physical self. With a little perseverance and strength I will make it through anything that may be thrown my way. Love and happiness!

Last week.....

....to binge on anything I want. As of 12:01 am January 1, 2014 I will officially be on a very serious diet. I will be cutting out soda and cutting back on the carbs and sugar. I am determined to lose between 50 & 60 pounds and look damn good by next Christmas. I've cut all the people who cause stress and anxiety out of my life without a second look. 

I'm also going to do a few things this year that I've always wanted to but have been too afraid to actually make happen. For starters, I am going to be walking in the CASA 5k Frosty Run/Walk and at some point this year I am going to go out, have fun and sing karaoke. 

2014 is the year of the new me and the life I want!! I am going to snap a pic of me on the 1st and post it and then each month or two weeks I'll post another pic with my updated weight.

Screw you......

Sounds kinda harsh, I know, but that is exactly going to be my attitude going into the new year. I am sick and tired of giving my heart, spirit and energy to people who aren't willing to give back. If you haven't opened your eyes and realized what is standing right in front of you then you are too damn late cuz I am gone.

Best part is that I have major plans for 2014 and every single one of them are gonna make those people who have ignored me eat their hearts out. For one, I am losing the weight; two, I am trying new things (like signing up for a 5K run/walk and going out to sing karaoke); three, I am going to change my look; four, I am going to make all those naysayers and doubters eat crow!

I will no longer feel like I'm not worthy just because someone doesn't reciprocate feelings or doesn't look twice at me. What have I been waiting for? I already have everything I need in life and can go after what I want.

What You Gonna Do Lyrics (HD) - Hunter Hayes featuring Ashley Monroe

This song speaks to me for some unknown reason, but oddly enough I feel hopeful after hearing it. Who knows?

??????????

I really don't know what to title this post; I am so exhausted and frustrated that I can't even begin to think of something.

I feel like I'm living in my own private hell right now. Elizabeth, who just turned 13, is causing life to be very difficult. Her hormones are wreaking havoc on her emotions and autism and it literally takes all I have to deal with it. She is more defiant than ever, wants to control everything, curses, throws things and refuses to go to school anymore. I am at my wits end as to what I should do. I try to remain calm and talk things out with her but sometimes it's nearly impossible so I do end up blowing up and yelling. She is right when she says that I don't understand her, but she doesn't realize that it isn't from lack of trying. It is very difficult to see things from her perspective because I never know which perspective she is seeing them from; is it the teenager who can be mature and wants to do grown up things or is it the kid who still loves her stuffed dolls and toddler cartoons. Either way, each one does not rationally see things.

I never thought I would be raising my kids alone or that they would have the issues that they do. I feel like I have failed my children because I can't always accommodate their needs or wants and that just compounds my frustration. I think that after this momentary breakdown I am going to have to reassess everything and find out what more I can do to improve not only things at home but life in general for my girls.l

Just chugging along in life......

Ok, so all in all life is pretty good right now. I'm almost done prepping for Christmas and am enjoying the holiday. I am absolutely looking forward to the new year and the changes that I am making in my life. 

There is, however, one teeny, tiny hiccup. I am having to push down my feelings for someone. It's not really a major issue but it's just bothersome. Part of the friendship with this person was made explicit that any feelings beyond friendship would not become an issue. Now, I haven't made any mention of said feelings nor have I behaved in any way that would betray my secret. I have taken the time, though, to ponder on why I have these feelings for this person in particular and quite honestly it makes perfect sense. Back when I was in therapy, I discovered that I tend to choose partners that need taken care of in some degree. My caregiving nature literally encompasses every aspect of my life. What I've found is that I tend to choose men who are slightly broken, for lack of a better word. The friend in question has had some difficult times in life and really benefits from having a shoulder to cry on, so to speak. Now add in the fact that said person is a little older than me but still very physically active and we have the Mindy Trifecta. A man who needs to be cared for but not to an excessive degree, is slightly older than me and still loves to go out and do things.

Considering everything the both of us have had to deal with, I am not planning on ever revealing my feelings unless my friend wants to specifically change the dynamics of our relationship. Meanwhile, I keep trudging through life hoping against hope that I will find the love of my life and living everyday to the fullest possible.

Ho-ho-holiday burnout....

We have only just begun the holidays and already the fatigue is setting in, hopefully is just the after effect of a large Thanksgiving dinner.

The Christmas decorations are slowly going up and the kids and I will be decorating the tree this coming weekend. Most of the presents are wrapped and there is only a little bit of shopping left to do, so all in all I really can't complain.

I am really amazed at how well things are going for me and that I have actually been able to maintain most of the positive changes that I started. I guess all that's left is to enjoy what time there is in remainder of this year and get myself ready for the goals I have set for 2014.

Loving the new me :-)

So, I have to share how fricking happy I am about recent events. I now have definitive proof that I am a changed person!

I am going to try and not make this the longest story ever but here goes. I had recently met a nice man online and struck up a conversation with him. We chatted via email for awhile and then graduated to texting. Twice now he has taken me to lunch and this past Saturday night he cooked dinner for me and rented a movie for us to watch. He is a really nice guy and seems to be somewhat stable and decent.

 Now here is where the change in me is apparent. Normally, my crazy brain would have me imagining a life with this man and all the trappings that go along with that. However, I haven't really thought about any of that stuff. I like him and he's nice enough but I just don't get that relationship train of thought with him. I'm really comfortable with us just being friends and hanging out.

I can honestly say this is the first time in my entire life where I haven't completely fell like a ton of bricks. It's nice not to feel like just because someone was nice to me that I have just fallen in love with them. To me it is kind of like an affirmation that 1) I don't need a man to be a complete person 2) it isn't really difficult to wait for the one you deserve and 3) my heart may still have some scars but it has healed twice as better than it ever was.

I'm already making big plans for 2014 and I trust in myself and God that it will be the best year yet. There really is nothing that can stop me now!!!!

Ummmm........what just happened?

I don't feel obsessed and I have absolutely no anxiety. These two things pretty much mean that my emotions and thoughts are in the rational zone. Woohoo!!! It kinda feels weird but I like this. Life has become a daily joy even with crappy things going on. Wow, I'm not sure I can clearly express my feelings on this. I think it's going to take some time to get used to these new feelings.

Low points lead to high roads....

Last night was tough beyond belief. I thought I was doing so great but 10 solid minutes of crying knocked me off of that feeling.

I love the holidays but they are sometimes a sad reminder of the things I miss in life. Last night it just hit me hard that I am missing the kind of love I desire the most. I know my children, my mother and my family all love. I know God loves me. To me those are kind of obligated forms of love, they are unconditional and a part of the world. The love of another person in the context of a relationship is completely different to me. When you are in a relationship with someone who loves you that is a real love to me. The other person loves you without obligation and has followed the strength of their emotion for you; it is a love that doesn't see with blinders on.

I felt so silly for crying about it all. My life is good and I am very thankful for everyone who does love me. I believe God has a love in store for me and that when it happens it will be the most incredible love I will have ever encountered. Until that time comes I am going to keep believing and moving toward the light, so to speak.

Blaaaaah.....

I feel like I've hit a wall in my life. It's only a short term problem but I don't like the feeling of it. I'm guessing it's just the effect of an unusual week for me. I worked every day from 9am to 5pm which is highly unusual. Because of the full work schedule I got a little behind on one of my classes and had to rush a two paper in one day. Then earlier in the week I met up with a friend, which in itself isn't a bad thing but there are lingering feelings and thoughts I have for this person. I'm thankful that I've made a lot of progress in rationalizing my feelings and keeping them from going completely haywire. Still with all the progress I have not been able to completely rid myself of the habit of getting easily emotionally attached to people. But all in all, despite the feelings and uncertainty, I've kept moving forward and that is what is most important. Add on the fact that the house is a mess since I haven't been home much and the kids have been having their typical issues so it's been very crazy.

Now that I read what I've been typing, I think it sounds kinda whiny and I don't like that. I try not to whine about things because I know I'm very lucky and I have a lot more than some in this world. I know there are still a few changes that I need to make in my life and the realization of that is slowly starting to set in. First and foremost, I need to get healthier, not only for myself but for the kids. Step one in that process is going to be cutting out all fast food and take out. Step two is going to be giving up my soda addiction and that is going to be the hardest thing of all for me. I know that losing some weight, becoming more active and in general increasing my physical health will end up improving my mental health as well.

Ugh, now that I'm reading all this I feel kinda bad about myself. I'm gonna use that shame to motivate myself to do this. It's hell or high water time baby.

Interesting changes abound!

I have dedicated a great deal of time to addressing my depression and anxiety issues, as well as my self esteem and confidence. I can finally say with great pride that I now actually see changes in me that are moving me in the right direction.

For one, I make it a point of finding joy in every day and of reminding myself of all that I have to be thankful for, praise be to God. Secondly, I have pushed myself to see that my life is absolutely perfect without having a man in my life and that, if I were to be blessed with a relationship with a man, it would be only an addition to my happiness and not the sole cause of it. Thirdly, I have found great joy in that I know I can repeat a situation, previously detrimental to my mental well-being, and find that I can remove most of the emotion I would normally attach and just let things be as they are. Fourthly, I spend a great deal more time improving my relationships with my children and family. I find it easier to express my love and gratitude more than ever before. Fifthly, I have put more pride and time into my schoolwork and am putting more effort into trying to figure out where I want my degree to take me. Sixthly, I am making more conscious efforts to correct my financial blunders and put us on a secure path.

I think that the most poignant thing I have learned is that every single piece of this life that was given to me, is a gift. I have learned to stop looking at things as if I deserve them and more as if have I earned them. I have everything could ever possibly need to succeed in life and admittedly there are quite a number of things that I have taken for granted and passed over.

I like to think of things in the context of "sink or swim". I can choose to stop moving and sink to the bottom of the black hole that life sometimes feels like or I can choose to keep moving and swim to the next island of opportunity. I have to admit that this is a funny choice for a motto considering the fact that I can't swim at all, but it does fit the situation well. What a difference a day makes and I will never stop moving toward that next day!

There will not be a step backward!

I'm kinda trying to pause my thoughts and feelings right where they are now because I know if I continue I am going to end up regressing in my progress. I have been able to emotionally detach myself more from a person who is just not able to be what I need and I really am afraid that I will allow myself to get pulled back in. I have to admit that the loneliness still digs at me and I find myself thinking about how to meet someone. Inevitably, that gets me to thinking about possibly going back to trying online dating but that is a horrible idea. I have never had very good luck with the whole online thing plus there is the whole thing about not really knowing who it is you are talking to or what their real intentions are.

When I start to feel like this, I keep reminding myself that, first and foremost, I need to take care of myself and my responsibilities. I hear a lot about how you need to love yourself first before someone else can love you. Well, I'm going to make sure that I keep a positive attitude and enjoy myself and my life. People really do look at you differently when you smile and exude happiness and contentment. All of the crazy feelings and disappointment are going to be the fuel for me to take care of myself and present a better me to the world as a whole.

New perspectives

Thanks to someone I once knew I've been able to gain a new perspective of myself and it is incredibly helpful.

I care too much about people who really are not a part of my life. Part of that caring extends to feeling like I need to fix people. For the past several months I have been conversing with a person that I've known for some time. This person has had many troubles in life and I feel sorry for him/her. As is typical for my personality type, I have tried to support this person emotionally and help them move forward but this particular case has shown that my good intentions are very capable of being misplaced.

When I was recently feeling low I sent this person a message hoping to find a little understanding and maybe some comfort. To my dismay, this person did not answer my message and has kind of blown me off. To make things more interesting, the person messaged me earlier to ask how I was doing and told me how bad a weekend they had and how they are tired of certain situations which they allow to happen. That kinda just blew things out of the water for me. I would think that if I've been there for you when you've felt so incredibly low that the very least you could do is be there for me.

This is exactly the kind of behavior that I am sick and tired of having to deal with. People don't deserve how great a friend I am and the things I am willing to do for them. Now I do have to be honest and say that I had developed some feelings for this person and that has influenced my ire a little more than usual.

I guess the point of this story is that I have learned to no longer be so giving of myself to others. It's one thing to help someone in need, but it is another thing to actually feel like you've given someone a piece of your soul. Part of my new perspective has been realizing that I am still so desperate to be in a relationship, that I am willing to do almost anything with the hope that the person will fall in love with me. From here on out I am not selling myself short anymore. I have proven that I don't need a man in my life but that I would like to have someone to share my life with. There is now a very clear line drawn as to what I am willing to do for so-called friends and this current incident is going to serve as a reminder that I deserve so much more from people than what I currently get.

Thoughts on our autism journey

I recently read a letter from another autism mom describing the different milestones we as autism parents experience. It reminded of the most profound milestone that both my girls struggled to accomplish and it was as saying "my name is _______ ".

It broke my heart when between the ages of 2 and 3 years old both the girls just stopped progressing in their speech. Suddenly, instead of moving on to 5 or more word sentences, we were stuck at the same 2 and 3 word sentences that they had been using. They even continued using pointing and grunting to communicate their needs. Admittedly, I tried to deny that there was anything wrong with my children. I couldn't imagine that seemingly perfect babies could have something wrong with them.

In an effort to help them along I spent a lot of time with them going over the basics. We would sit in one of the bedrooms, so there would be no distractions, and I would point to myself and say "my name is mommy" and then point to them hoping they would say their own name. I can't count the number of times I was answered with "my name is mommy". Not only did I get frustrated by this but the kids did too because mommy kept insisting that that wasn't right and we had to do it again.

When the day came that they finally answered me with "you are mommy" and "I'm Lizzie (or Grace)", as the case may be, I was almost in tears. I could never have imagined that that would be one of the smaller hurdles that we would have to climb.

This journey has certainly been one I never could have planned for and it will be a journey that we as a family will continue on for the foreseen future. We have learned good and bad things about ourselves in our day-to-day life, myself included. The most important lesson has been for me, though. I have learned to be more accepting, to realize that what we imagine is nowhere near reality and to thank God every day for the small steps forward while asking Him for forgiveness and help on the huge steps backwards.

I am truly blessed that God had so much confidence in me that He felt I was the best parent for these two amazing gifts. And as God as my witness, I will not let Him down.

Uh oh....mommy needs to vent!

I am trying to stay away from venting because it means that I am dwelling on something that really isn't very important in the grand scheme of things. But, I need to let something out.

As a mom with two special needs kids I understand that some people are just gonna feel the need to tell me how I should parent my kids. Sometimes, however, it becomes just a little much. I appreciate that they mean well but unless you live with my kids 24/7 you are not gonna to have a real clue about how things work.

The straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, was a tidbit of advice regarding food. Grace is on two different medications to help her stay focused, one of those medications has a side effect of suppressing her appetite. Even though we have reduced the dosage of the medication slightly, she still does not eat like a child normally would. To make sure that she was getting nutrition and gaining some weight I have had to pretty much feed her whenever she says she is hungry and that includes even at midnight. A well-meaning person overheard her saying she was starving and asked if she had eaten dinner. I responded that she had but not very much; the well-meaning person advised that she needs to eat all her dinner and that I shouldn't let her have anything else if she isn't going to eat dinner.

This is so incredibly frustrating for me because the person doesn't really understand the situation with her suppressed appetite and trying to do what is best for her. Because I have fed Grace when she was hungry and not restricted her, she has gained three pounds since her last doctor visit.

Ok, this is it for my venting session and hopefully I won't feel the need to vent for a very long time to come.

Happy Father's Day

I would like to take this opportunity to wish a happy Father's day to all the men who in any way, shape or form fulfill the role of dad in a child's life. This day is always bittersweet in our house because there are no fathers here. This is the 25th year without my father and the 4th year without my children's father. I try to keep this day light and not remind them too much of what our life is missing.

For myself I received a rare blessing yesterday. We had a large picnic with my father's side of the family for the first time in over a decade. In my own mind I feel as if I got to see my dad when I saw my uncle Ray. Dad and Ray always looked more alike than any other siblings in the family and it is still true. When I looked at uncle Ray I saw my dad's eyes just as I remembered them. They even had the same nose, chin and hairstyle. For as happy as seeing him made me it was also bittersweet. More than any other time of life, right now I could really use my Daddy's support and wisdom.

Well, now that I've been about as a maudlin as I ever want to be I am going to end this entry for now and enjoy time with my kids.

Absent....

I'm back and not really sure if that's a good thing or not. I've tried to refrain from blogging while my mind is slipping into the down portion of it's unfortunate cycle. I did extremely well for several weeks in regards to keep my morale and motivation up and generally being happy. But, as what always happens with me, the good feeling eventually comes crashing down. I suppose the fact that I can recognize this and deal with it in a much better fashion should be considered bonus points on my part but it's difficult to see the positive when your brains refuses to do so. Sooner or later I know that these terrible feelings of inadequacy and loneliness will disappear and I will feel like I'm back on top again. Until then, I will take the quiet moments to breakdown and cry and pray to God for strength and understanding.

A break for me

I decided to take a break from blogging over the holiday weekend so that I could completely focus on my family. We had an amazing time at my sister Mary's house on Sunday. We took the girls to the annual Memorial Day parade in the small town Mary lives in and then had a massive cookout with the rest of my sisters, the car club and some of my brother-in-law's family.

Taking time out and spending it with loved ones without fear of judgment really does help put every aspect of my life in perspective. I used to think that I hadn't accomplished much in my life but now I know that is not true. I've done so much more than most people my age just by making it through the tough times life has thrown at me. The best part is that things are only going to get better.

Daydreaming

I woke up from the most delicious dream this morning. Rarely do I have dreams like this one, it started out very odd and by the end I was practically in love!

It started with I was driving around what seemed to be my local area and was forced to take a detour unexpectedly. The detour ended up at some horse show, which was full of teenage kids and cowboys. Since there was nowhere else to go I wondered around the show and exhibits and then realized I was going to be late for work. After a little more wondering, I finally found the exit which were very large very heavy wooden doors. When I pushed them open there were two cowboys, one dark-haired and one sandy-haired, standing there manning a booth set up for selling various souvenirs and horse related items. As I was walking away one of the guys asked my name and started asking how I liked the show. I chatted back and forth with the two gentlemen for awhile and the dark-haired one moved off to take care of some work. So I continue to chat with the other and it turned in to a somewhat flirtatious conversation. When I finally realized that I was going to be late for work I politely told the sandy-haired fella that I had to go. Since we were now sitting near each other, he scooted over to me and asked if he could have my number. Needless to say I was absolutely thrilled and gave my number to him gladly. Then I woke up.

I'm very curious as to what might have happened had the dream continued. The especially odd part for me is that I was not thinking of horses, teenagers or men when I laid down to sleep. Admittedly I kinda hope this was a sign that the right man is out there for me and that he might be coming in to my life sooner than I expect. I can only hope and pray so! Until that time I will keep this dream with me and trust that God knows what he is doing with my life.

Prayers..

Tonight we are sending all of our prayers to all those effected by the devastating tornados in Oklahoma. As a parent and very emotional person, I have avoided watching the news video and have opted to read the reports instead. We pray for strength and courage for all!

Happy receptors!

As in brain chemical receptors lol. If there is anything to be thankful for in regards to my depression, it is the fact that my change in mood is often short. The receptors in my brain are now receiving the appropriate mix of brain chemicals and they are happy again. I know how crazy all this sounds but it's a big deal for me. I have had to deal with major episodes of depression and anxiety that lasted for weeks at a time. Now they don't last but two days at most and that is truly awesome.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system let's get on to other fascinating aspects of my life. As if I don't already have a lot on my plate, I am trying to find a hobby that sparks my creative side. I'm thinking scrapbooks and other handicrafts. Plus my cooking skills are itching to be released so that is another thing I'm working on.

Now for something totally off topic! I have fallen in love with the History Channel show Mountain Men. I am all for the homesteading and simple way of living. It makes me think about how wasteful we are and the fact that we need to change how we live. In an effort to remove one wasteful behavior from our lives I am looking into making our own laundry detergent. With as much laundry as I do this is going to save me a ton of money and be one less plastic bottle for me to recycle.

All in all, this scattered and confusing blog is a shining example of how my brain runs during the transformation part of my mental cycle. The coherent thoughts are there, they just get jumbled up with all the other crap and emotions. Rest assured, I am utilizing every single molecule of effort in order to transform my thought process and improve my life.

Return to Oz

I hadn't realized how long it's been since I've posted anything. The really sad part is that in my year and a half absence not much has changed in my life. I still work one job, albeit a part time one, still caring for my beautiful girls and my life is still completely, fracking crazy.

Lizzie, who is now 12, is dealing with the difficulties of growing up and all the emotions that come with it. Grace has finally found her voice, so to speak, and has become very headstrong and obstinate. My mother, who used to be semi independent, is now totally dependent on me since she had open heart surgery and has lost her eye sight due to her diabetes. I know it sounds like I'm complaining but I'm still the only one dealing with everything and doing it all alone.

One would think that with all that I have going on in my life that I wouldn't have time to be depressed but that seems to be how I feel a lot of the time. I do have to admit that my sisters have been helpful in keeping me grounded and positive, but on nights like tonight it's a struggle. It is very difficult not to feel lonely and sad with how my life has turned out so far.

When this happens I try to remind myself of all the great things I have going for me. I am going back to school in the fall and am more determined than ever to obtain my degree, I have a great job that I enjoy and is opening me up to new people and friendships, I am very self-sufficient and can take care of myself and my family without anyone else's help and, with some routine reminders, I know that I don't need a man to have a happy life and that if finding a partner is in God's plan for me it will happen.

It's a lot for me to deal with sometimes but what else is there to do. I will never turn my back on my responsibilities, that's just who I am. Remaining confident in myself and continuing to live life one day at a time are personal priorities that are gonna get me where I am meant to be.